Divorce Mistakes to Avoid
Divorce Mistakes
By Gabrielle Linzer and Christina Parrella.
Splitting up may be the right thing to do. To help you recognize the mistakes you may be making now -- and to avoid future missteps -- here are 16 of the biggest and most frequent divorce blunders.
Not paying attention to taxes
If you think your ex did a number on your finances, be prepared to meet your worst enemy. Without keeping a close eye on taxes, your divorce could lead you into a financial train wreck. "Many times, after one spouse takes the house, he or she realizes after a few years it's unaffordable -- and then gets clobbered on the taxes," says Gayle Smith, family lawyer and author of "Divorce and Money". "And if one person takes certain stocks, be sure to consider capital gains taxes if you are going to liquidate." The cost of taxes should be factored into every monetary decision you make as you write up your divorce settlement papers.
Being too generous to win back your spouse
If you find yourself on the wrong end of things (that is, being left vs. leaving or you were caught cheating), you may be tempted to win him or her back back by being overly generous. It won't work, says Jill Brooke, editor of First Wives World. "When you're negotiating a divorce, it's a business deal. Do not accept crumbs when you are entitled to half the pie."
Flaunting a new lover
Although you may be ready jump right back into the swinging single lifestyle, it's better to approach dating slowly and cautiously. "The longer you wait, the better," says Vicki Lansky, parenting expert and author of "It's Not Your Fault KoKo Bear." Most heartbreaking is the feeling of abandonment children feel when potential parental figures come and go. "The rotating door is hard on children." Flaunting a new love interest around your ex- when divorce wounds are still fresh isn't helpful, either. The best policy is to keep your new romances on the down low until you're sure someone will be sticking around.
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Making agreements outside the settlement papers
Divorce is not the time for oral agreements. Your ex- can promise you the moon, but without clarifying details in your official settlement, these promises won't hold up in court. "Normally there is a clause in the agreement that it is the full agreement and no other papers or oral agreements will be considered," says Smith. It may not feel right to make everything so official, but in the end, your ex- can't snatch away your furniture or deny visitation. You have proof.
Taking legal advice from family and friends
They're emotional rocks to lean on during the roller coaster called divorce, but don't even think that they're a substitute for an attorney. The only person who can -- and should -- tell you what you what's in your best interest during the split is your lawyer. "A lawyer is not a therapist; it's a business transaction," says Brian D. Perskin, a New York divorce attorney. Perskin explains that you should only get divorce advice from someone who understands law and financial settlements.
Sex with your ex-
It's never a good idea to sleep with your former husband or wife. Period. Not only are you holding onto emotional attachments, you're placing yourself in a situation with a guarantee of a less than stellar outcome. Remember the reasons the relationship failed in the first place and don't open up yourself again to pain and sadness. Focus on the future and don't run back to your ex- just because he or she provides familiarity. Trust us: There won't be closure.
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Hiring a combative lawyer
A hard-as-nails attorney won't impress a judge into punishing your ex-spouse. Divorce should be treated as a business transaction, not a revenge story. A combative lawyer won't help your cause, especially if they try to use your children. Perksin recommends hiring a lawyer who explain everything before making any moves and is respectful to all parties, including, yes, your ex-.
Using your child as a messenger
Avoiding your ex- at all costs may make sense, but your child shouldn't have to pay the price. "Stay on good enough terms with your ex- so that you can talk because it's terribly hard on kids [to act as a go-between]," says Lansky. The stress of the split is hard enough. Avoid burdening your children with messages for your ex-, "even if they are trite." Email is an easy solution. There are also web sites that allow parents to plan visitation, exchange contacts and more.
Put your child in adult role to compensate for the loss of your partner
The house might feel empty now that your spouse is gone -- a tempting time to fill the void with your child. "Kids can be very fulfilling when you lose your partner," says Lansky, "but it's one thing to make your child the center of the household and another to treat them like an adult." She warns that children may eat up this extra attention, but in the long run, they will be in for "unfair pressures." Children need to be just that, and cannot serve as a replacement for your spouse.
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Ohhfudgeme 03:04:31 AM Jul 13 2008
I heard this one great line and it really did save me. Better to have loved and lost than be married to a psycho Bit*h the rest of your life.
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Mayjun05 01:40:46 AM Jul 13 2008
My ex is so self-centered when he told me his heart was no longer in it he thought he was the only one. I asked for a divorce four days after he told me and I have never looked back. He married the woman he fooled around with and still comes to me to cut his hair, I don't think she knows but that's her problem. He looks like he's sick and everyone that see's me now says I look better than ever. When they ask my secret I tell them to get a DIVORCE it saved my life.
AlcatrazPZ 12:59:33 AM Jul 13 2008
the end . No matter how much you are hurt it is better to watch her grow old and lose her looks rather than hurt or kill her as is which you are very likely to feel through this ordeal. Now my new wife is 17 years younger than me , I kept the house but lost the pension, which she blew in 1 week, and the house is worth 100,000 more even in this economy. I have 4 new children and love life more than I ever did before. What a adventure. Faith in God never loses. I happily paid friend of the court for 14 years. :) The ex looks not so good ( politely) and my new wife is super model material......
AlcatrazPZ 12:55:48 AM Jul 13 2008
I sadly went through this nightmare, not wanting the divorce I was overly generous trying to get her back, it only pusher her further away. I almost lost everything in the settlement hearing with the lawyers in the court chambers thinking she was not getting a fair deal and offered way more than what she was intitled to. She snubbed her nose in the air and walked out of the room after I said I believed in God and not divorce. Amazingly her own attorney looked at me and said if you want to just give money away I could just give it to him instead. But with her now out of the room and us finalilzing the deal for the judge in the other room I did as her attorney said and it saved me a great deal of money I could not afford any ways. Not only did I hire him for other legal matters later in life, it gave me alot of time to think on advice for my other friends facing the same situtation. I tell them this is a test ,and if you do not hurt anyone or your self during the test you will win in th
DaddyJeff1968 09:13:24 PM Jul 12 2008
Wow, this whole story seems that it was written by divorce lawyers trying to drum up business.A divorcee and "been there done that" I can say do not always trust your lawyer either. While there are plenty,plenty of ethical attorney's out there that will work with you and your spouse to lessen the blood shed and do what is right for both, there are a handful out there that walk a thin gray line in ethics to keep the cash cow in legal fees flowing. Remember, they tell you they " are ethical and not like the others" , but divorce is how they earn their living. I can say in my situation my ex and I had everything written down on paper in regards to assets, monitary,etc. We even agreeded to use one attorney. By the time it was over both of us spent in the realm of $100,000 dollars in legal fees and the very same attorneys that stired the pot for two years were now screaming at us to work it out because ,"the judge is going to take this out on us(the attorneys)". See,, even though the attorn
DaddyJeff1968 09:12:10 PM Jul 12 2008
Wow, this whole story seems that it was written by divorce lawyers trying to drum up business.A divorcee and "been there done that" I can say do not always trust your lawyer either. While there are plenty,plenty of ethical attorney's out there that will work with you and your spouse to lessen the blood shed and do what is right for both, there are a handful out there that walk a thin gray line in ethics to keep the cash cow in legal fees flowing. Remember, they tell you they " are ethical and not like the others" , but divorce is how they earn their living. I can say in my situation my ex and I had everything written down on paper in regards to assets, monitary,etc. We even agreeded to use one attorney. By the time it was over both of us spent in the realm of $100,000 dollars in legal fees and the very same attorneys that stired the pot for two years were now screaming at us to work it out because ,"the judge is going to take this out on us(the attorneys)". See,, even though the attorn
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9 comments
