Sexless Marriage
When Sex Leaves a Marriage
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By Justine van der Leun
Data suggests that one in three American marriages is sex-starved, and a quick web search reveals enough books on the subject to comprise an entire genre. To learn more about this widespread relationship-killer, we talked to Michele Weiner-Davis, MSW, author of "The Sex-Starved Marriage" and founder of DivorceBusting.com, about the causes and effects of the sex-starved marriage, as well as how to get your intimate life -- and your marriage -- back on track.
AOL Health: How does sex leave a marriage?
Michele Weiner-Davis: It can happen for a variety of reasons. Sometimes, the reasons are biological: an underlying medical issue, hormonal fluctuation, cardiovascular disease, a chronic illness, or a medication used to treat an illness or depression. If desire starts to wane, a person should first get a complete check-up and get their medications adjusted. Sometimes, people have poor body image or feel stressed about work or the economy, but one of the primary reasons is relationship issues. Some people don't want to be physical with a partner they're not getting along with. And it's not just women who steer clear of sex when they feel criticized or taken for granted -- I'm convinced that low desire in men in the best-kept secret in America.
The interview continues below the gallery.
Click through the gallery to find ways to put the sex back into your marriage.
Putting Sex Back in Your Marriage
Face the Problem
Whatever the cause, it's important to acknowledge that you're having a problem related to sex and the relationship. "Often, people don't even realize the shift has taken place," says Kirschner. "They do sense that they don't feel close to their partner, but they make not even put two and two together." Or they may be too embarrassed to discuss it. If the lack of sex stems from a physical issue (erectile dysfunction, hormonal fluctuations, drug side effects), see a doctor. If the issue is mental or emotional, talk through it with your spouse or enlist a therapist to mediate. "Avoid being accusatory. Never say, 'You don't satisfy me,'" says Kirschner. Instead, discuss the importance of sex in terms of the relationship. "Make it clear that it's not all about improving how you feel; it's about improving the strength and stability of the couple," says Kirschner
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Make Sex a Priority
Couples, especially those with kids, often get so wrapped up in the day-to-day routine that they forget about pleasure. But sex should be at the top, not the bottom, of the to-do list, since marriages without intimacy are likely to fail -- and mom and dad's broken relationship is ultimately much harder on a kid than a missed soccer game, an unironed shirt, or a messy living room. "Sex is a key ingredient in the glue that bonds a couple together," says Kirschner. "Just imagine how much your kids would have to pay, emotionally and financially, if you got a divorce, and then ask yourself if it isn't worth it to take an hour out of your schedule."
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Schedule a Going-In Date
A going-in date is basically your traditional dinner date, but instead of hitting the town, you, well, hit that thing. Kirschner advises you to arrange for the kids to be elsewhere and the dishes to be done. At least at first, "it helps to imagine that you're having an affair with each other, because an affair is the opposite of mundane," Kirschner says. In other words, by pretending you're involved in an illicit rendezvous, you add novelty to your relationship, which automatically ups the excitement factor. Another good thing about the faux affair is that it takes effort: You wouldn't meet your lover wearing a ripped t-shirt from your 1994 trip to Disney World, so you shouldn't meet your spouse in a get-up either.
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Ask for It
Be straight with each other about what you want and need in bed. "Real life is not like the movies, where people know exactly what to do," says Kirschner. That's because there is no universal trick to sex; each person has his or her own unique desires. Talk about what turns you on, and listen to what turns your spouse on, so that you can have a mutually beneficial experience beneath the covers. To avoid defensive reactions and hurt feelings, keep the conversation light and positive. "You can say, 'I would love it if you stroked me more,' or 'I would really enjoy it if you were softer...or harder,'" advises Kirschner.
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Spice Up Your Life
Good sex between couples takes consistent effort; it doesn't just happen every third Sunday morning of the month. Put yourself on a maintenance program by integrating sexual thoughts and actions into your everyday life. "Your brain is a sex organ," says Kirschner. "You can deliberately create being turned on." She suggests a program of flirtatious foreplay: give each other pecks on the cheek; send sweet or scandalous text messages and emails; compliment each other. By making your spouse feel attractive and appreciated, you allow him or her to slough off any insecurities and petty grievances that may be holding back your sex life.
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Get in Touch With Yourself
It's a catch 22: The less sex you have, the less sexy you feel, and the less sexy you feel, the less sex you have. "The thing with your sexuality is it's use it or lose it," says Kirschner. She suggests breaking the sexless cycle by jump-starting your own engine: Masturbation can help you remember the ecstasy your body can provide. You might also treat yourself to some hot lingerie, take a long bath, or light some candles. The point is to first reacquaint yourself with your sensual side so that you can soon do the same for your partner.
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Play Games
First and foremost, sex should be a rollicking good time, not some grim endeavor conducted by two unsmiling parties. "Games are a good ice breaker," says Kirschner. Games or activities with a sexual element can help you let down your defenses and have some fun. Kirschner suggests strip poker and skinny-dipping. She also endorses playing with food. "Have each other for dessert," she says. "Use whipped cream and chocolate sauce." Sounds sticky, but hey -- you do what you gotta do.
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Be Patient
Stress and unrealistic expectations about sex can deal the final blow to a struggling marriage, so it's vital to be patient and compassionate with yourselves and each other. "As long as both spouses are working together to move forward, you have a good chance of healing the marriage," says Kirschner. Sometimes, however, it can take months to get back into the groove. Remember: Sex in a marriage is not limited to sexual intercourse, and often a pair must move slowly on the path toward intimacy. "The real goal is to rediscover the closeness and romance and fun you once had," says Kirschner.
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More on Sexless Marriages
AOL Health: The number of times couples have sex ebbs and flows. When do you know you have an issue?
Weiner-Davis: Unlike vitamins, there are no daily minimum requirements for a healthy sex life. Many Americans say that they have sex one or two times a week, which may be too much for some couples and not enough for others. And of course, in all marriages, sexual desire can rise and fall depending on what’s going on in your life. The problem occurs when a couple feels out of sync for a long period of time, when in addition to lacking sex, they stop sitting next to each other, stop cuddling, stop laughing at each other's jokes -- essentially, they stop being friends.
AOL Health: Is this more common these days, or are people just more open about it?
Weiner-Davis: I think that it's a bit of both. Our lives have gotten so hectic almost every couple complains about feeling like they're in the rat race, so that contributes to more distance. But also with the Internet and reality television, we’ve gotten much more verbal, and much more willing to discuss really personal issues.
AOL Health: Is lack of sex in marriage why people have affairs?
Weiner-Davis: Some people who don't feel appreciated and loved physically are led to stray. On the other hand, I have worked with many couples where the person who feels shortchanged still has a moral compass that tells them not to be disloyal. A lack of sexual connection certainly doesn't dictate infidelity, but it is a factor.
AOL Health: Are sex-starved couples doomed to failure or is there hope?
Weiner-Davis: The handling of the issue, not the issue itself, determines whether or not it is a dealbreaker. When both spouses or partners think only about how they feel individually and make no attempt to understand the other person's perspective, the relationship is doomed.
I once worked with a couple [who had been] married 15 years. The man said [his wife gave him] a two-hour window of opportunity to have sex: Every Friday evening between 10 p.m. and midnight. I asked him, "What's that like for you?" He turned to his wife and said, "When I reach for you and you're not there, I wonder if you love me. When you go to sleep and I hear you breathing, and I stare at the ceiling, it's the loneliest feeling in the world." The wife began to cry. She held his hand and said, "When you touch me, I always think about whether or not I’m in the mood. I’ve never before thought about how you feel, being rejected." That couple has a good chance of making it. She made an effort to understand his pain.
AOL Health: On a practical level, how do people repair this component of their marriage?
Weiner-Davis: I believe that desire is a decision. We now know a lot in terms of helping people heal from personal tragedy, physical ailments, and interpersonal differences. With our knowledge and techniques, there is no reason that someone who wants a more robust sex life can't have it. Once you decide to take the issue off the backburner, you can break your patterns quickly. I wish I had a dollar for each time someone said, "When my partner approached me, I wasn't in the mood, but when I gave it a chance, I got going and had a great time."
AOL Health: How do newlyweds preempt this?
Weiner-Davis: One of the most important factors in keeping sexual desire alive is to spend quality time together, where you do fun things, where you talk. Too often people take their marriages for granted and stop making sex a priority. But a relationship is like a pet or a plant. You can’t just put it in the corner without food or water and expect it to survive. You have to nurture your marriage, and that includes the sexual aspect. People with long marriages and successful sex lives keep things juicy and new; they have pet names for each other and flirt with each other, just like they did when they were first dating. Also, people should talk about sex, not just at the beginning of a relationship, but over time. What stimulates us in our twenties is different than what stimulates us in our thirties and forties, so unless you keep up an ongoing conversation, you’ll be working with outdated information.
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EVRW673 09:54:37 AM Jan 05 2010
mommie985778You need to find outside interests that will give you the companionship you need. Look for book clubs, woman's special interests groups, or go back to school, just as along it is an outlet for your to express your feelings, have someone to talk to, and get you out of the house and amongst others that share your interests. He may even come around nd show more interests once he sees you are not pinning away for his companion ship.Love him, feed him, and continue to be a loving wife, but get out and pursue other creative and uplifting things for your life.
EVRW673 09:48:57 AM Jan 05 2010
TO MOMMIE985778Mommie, you need to find an outside outlet and stop depending on him for companionship. I am talking about book clubs, women socials, or go back to school so that you can be involved with others that share your love of gab and your interests. He might even want to be more involved once he sees you have found other interests outside the home. The thing is you are miserable and you need support, so get up and get out the house. Do not wait on him!Love him, feed him and remain a loving wife, but do something that will make you happy as well.
EVRW673 09:41:45 AM Jan 05 2010
I am a widow and before that I was separated because my husband was a real dog, he cheated on me consistently. I tried my best to keep the marriage going, but to no avail, he was not a faithful man. I dated him for a few months before he started begging me to marry him and I just do not understand why since he could not commit himself. I found comfort in other places but it was not as fulfilling as having your own dedicated husband. At this point, I am not dating anyone, I have been without sex for 19 years (I am 52) and I do not want to be involved with anyone on an intimate basis. I would however like to have a companion/friend who would like to go to the movies, dinner, etc. I wonder if there is anyone out there for me that fits the description of a Eunuch type man for companionship only. Sex can be good, but sometimes it is overrated, because there is more to life than just that. Besides, with all the infidelity and STD's going around, I would not want to take the chance.
mommie985778 11:09:27 PM Nov 13 2009
This is a very painful part of being married. I truly am wondering if human beings were meant to mate for life, I hate to say it. Otherwise, why wouldn't marriage be easier. My experience is that when we are not close emotionally, we have problems in this area. Stress with children and work along with not being able to spend fun time alone together as a couple also makes it worse. My husband is so quiet that he and I have a very hard time staying close. Sometimes if I don't initiate conversation we could go the whole night without talking. Conversations at time seem like pulling teeth, and I am very passionate about lots of things and I love to talk. I feel very much alone and disconnected. I wish I could change his personality but I know I can't. Additionally, he is a smoker and I am a cancer survivor which I know sounds dumb, but I was totally in love. I can't get over the smoking.
MIKEDYOU34 02:17:43 PM Jul 19 2009
Well, my problem is, I use to get all the sex I wanted, until we jumped the broom!I have become really tired of talking about the same thing every time we have a disagrement, SEX! It is nice to have a person give you complments on how you look,dress and how you carry yourself. My wife stop doing this along time ago. I get more advaces to cheat at work than my own wife gives me to have sex. I have been cheated ON by my wife in our relationship before, but I forgave her and then moved on. I am so fustrated we the whole sex thing, i don't know what to do. I really think she is doing someone else, because I am not getting sh...........................t! Help needed!
KidofPonyMaker 03:40:46 PM Jul 13 2009
I never thought that a MAN would not want to have sex...before we married I thought he was being a gentleman... now I just feel rejected, unloved, undesired, and depressed. I am still VERY attracted to him..but I can't get him to notice me at all... Sex is every 6 months If I beg..and he doesn't even realize it or miss it. All good when we are together, but I don't know how to get him to want to have sex more... I never thought this would be an issue.
chargingdog 09:55:25 AM Jun 23 2009
my husband was diagnosed with MS a few years ago. He is a very bitter and angry man. I can walk into the room and he will say what the h*#% do you want? We never talk anymore or if I try to talk about my day to him, he will say to me "is this story going somewhere cause you are boring me with it. And then he wonders why I don't want to have sex with him. It is hard to want to be with someone who talks to you like that, but I can't bring myself to leave him. I am as sick as he is.
Dirockson 04:04:57 AM Jun 20 2009
I knew my husband for five years before we married so look you don't knowsomeone until you are living with them for a while. People in the beginnig don't always show you who they really are.Your are so hung up that you don't know if you are really with the One and when we marry we always feel we are with the ONE that is our soul mate.The soulmate may be someone that passed you by years ago or you let goso that they could be free and not be inprisoned by marriage or real Jail.You loved them so much you knew you would never hang on to them and having a child would have only made things hard on the both of you . You would have given yourself to them then but knew it wasn't met to be back then.Even though you felt that connection and a real love. You felt safe for the fristtime in your life and you were so ok with being with them.Sex is someting in a marriage that should work and too many women withhold and too many men aren't patient enough or appreciate their wives or girlfrends.Yes,
Dirockson 03:51:10 AM Jun 20 2009
Goulsforus,are you living like roommates because your afraid of having another child with autism? Ma;ybe your spouse is afraid.I can't use the pill cause I almost died on it when I was in college. So we have touse condoms or rythem method.I am the mom of two asperger boys... and I am 44... My husband put down a decree that we weren't going to have any more kids. That was some time ago.He will not go for a vascitmony and for a while we were taking our chances and we had a situation and he said some alwful things and our marriage has really been on the rocks snice cause I don't feel connected to him after what he said to me...Words can cause so much pain.... and I don't know how to not feel it.I didn't feel happy or even ok anymore .... but I didn't stop having sex with him.We made a comprimise and at least that is working for now. Yet, I still don't feel good and I feel lost and I have been married for almost20 years. I know I care for him but something is defiantely missing....
