Relationship Secrets You Shouldn't Keep

Relationship Secrets

By Michelle DeLiso
Couples' Secrets

Traditional wisdom has taught us that some things are better left unsaid. But with relationships, "secrets can cause a rift," says Jeffrey Bernstein, Ph.D., author of 'Why You Can't Read My Mind.' Coming clean, however, doesn't have to involve a destructive conflict: "If handled the right way, revealing secrets can enhance your relationship," he says. Here are seven common secrets that shouldn't be swept under the carpet.

You Don't Turn Me On

Perhaps your significant other has gained some weight and it's a turn-off for you. Bernstein suggests raising valid points such as, "I'm concerned about your health, and I'd love for us commit to staying active together." With statements like these, you keep the discussion upbeat and encourage teamwork.

I Resent Your Kids

When one parent aligns with his or her biological child and not with the spouse, it can create resentment toward the stepchildren. If you feel your spouse's choices are causing a rift you might say, "I understand your desire to protect your children, but I feel making parenting decisions together can accomplish that." Bernstein says, by staying calm and working as a team, you can diffuse the conflict.

I Hate Your Friend

Just because we adore our partner, doesn't mean we'll adore all of his or her friends. Bernstein suggests validating your partner's friendship and presenting alternatives to hanging out with them. You can say, "I love you and I want to support your relationship with Jack but I find myself overwhelmed by his behavior." Then offer solutions: "Maybe there are some gatherings I don't have to attend, if you are comfortable going without me."

I Made a Money Mistake

Take responsibility for your money misstep, develop a plan to fix it, and present it to your partner when you fess up. For example, if you typically spend disposable income on shopping , offer to put that cash towards payments. Or if your car lease is up, be willing to get one of lesser value so you can more easily pay off the error.

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My Sexual Past

There's a natural inclination to share sexual histories, but if you are in a heterosexual relationship, you might think it too risky to tell your partner about a same-sex encounter in your past. Perhaps you think he or she will be shocked or feel threatened. But same-sex experimentation is relatively common, says Bernstein, so there's no need to hide it. Tell your mate that secrets are divisive, and your desire to disclose the experience and have your partner accept it helps you to be closer to each other.

That's Not How My Family Does It

Keeping holiday traditions alive in couplehood is a universal sticking point. Your wife's annual post-Thanksgiving shopping trip with her family may interfere with your own desire to observe a holiday tradition with your family. Instead of keeping quiet, tell your wife you understand how much the ritual means to her, and confess that you'd like to use the time to do something else. Suggest a compromise, such as observing each other's family rituals on alternate years.

I Was Abused

A history of sexual abuse for either partner can be divisive. The person who was abused may exhibit symptoms and behaviors as a result of the abuse -- anxiety, self-destructive behaviors, or disassociation while having sex -- that are puzzling for the unknowing partner and can be misread. Sexual abuse is a painful event to recount. It requires a quantum leap of trust to reveal it, but telling your partner can be freeing, Bernstein assures, and it can create a stronger bond between the two of you. Bernstein advises seeking support from a therapist on how best to share it. Knowledge of this experience may give your partner a different perspective on the more intimate aspects of your relationship.

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