17 Reasons Why People Cheat
Good People and Affairs
From When Good People Have Affairs by Mira Kirshenbaum
Here's the real reason good people have affairs. You're in a relationship that has problems. You don't know how to fix those problems. You're frustrated and confused. You don't know what to do. So you head into an affair. When you know what kind of affair you're having, you'll better understand what you're trying to get for yourself. Stay tuned for the 17 most common kinds of affairs.
The See-If Affair
The reasoning behind this kind of affair is to see if being with a new person will solve your problems. You want to see if you can be happier with someone else. Ultimately, though, the new relationship is really all about shedding light on your first relationship. What are you trying to see if? If it's to see if you can be happier with someone else, ask yourself, Am I? If not, then you don't need the affair. If yes, then it's served its purpose.
The Ejector-Seat Affair
Anytime you have an affair there's a danger that it will blow your marriage out of the water. But some people feel trapped. This kind of affair is a way out. If you've been careless about getting caught and, honestly, would be relieved if your partner found you out, you're in an ejector-seat affair. Stop being in denial about how "trapped" you are and get on with it. Warning: Just because you're looking for a way out of one relationship doesn't mean you should make a commitment to the person you're having the affair with.
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The Heating-Up-Your-Marriage Affair
Here's the classic scenario. You have an affair. It's eh. Your partner finds out. He or she is really upset, devastated, mad, etc. But at the same time, amazingly, things get a lot hotter in bed. If this rings true, your affair will probably die a natural death and your marriage will improve. The heating up of marital sex is a sign that something needed shaking up.
The Distraction Affair
Answer this: Did you feel stuck in your life but didn't know what to do about it prior to the affair? If you're in a distraction affair, you're in tremendous jeopardy. Not only do you risk ending a perfectly good relationship, but the pain and craziness of struggling and breaking up just may delay what you really need to do. That is, figure out how you want to live.
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The Break-Out-Into-Selfhood Affair
This is the opposite of a distraction affair. With this affair, you're finding your way back to who you really are and what's most important to you. It's as if part of you was lost, and something about the affair helps you find that missing piece. It's not the affair itself you need; let that go before it destroys you life. What you need to do bring that missing part of you back into your life.
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I Just-Needed-To-Indulge-Myself Affair
Thoreau said people lead lives of quiet desperation. Some of us lead lives of married desperation. You'll know if it's an indulgence affair if, yes, you feel guilty but you also feel you deserve it. Oh, and you also enjoy how good it feels. The danger here is that guilty feelings can lead people into big trouble. Don't make the affair into something it's not. Write it off as something you needed and then figure out what's making things so unrewarding in your primary relationship. Now do something about it.
The Let's-Kill-This-Relationship-and-See-If-It-Comes-Back-to-Life Affair
Think of it like chemotherapy: Giving poison to someone who is sick in the hopes of saving their life. Here, you're looking to give your marriage a perhaps fatal blow, and then see if the two of you can thaw the icy walls that have grown around the relationship. With this kind of affair, you never know how it will turn out.
The Unmet-Needs Affair
This is a dilemma. If you go outside the relationship to get an important need met (say, sex or emotional connection), it's a betrayal. But if you never find or fulfill that need, it's an awful waste. Get into couples therapy to work on getting your need met at home. If that isn't workable, consider this: Your needs might be more important than your marriage.
The Having-Experiences-I-Missed-Out-On Affair
Here, the unmet need isn't something in the present; it's something from the past. Women without a lot of relationship experience often have affairs like this to make sure that they haven't missed out on something important. Want to be with someone much older or younger? A different ethnic group or someone who's very artistic? What's it like to be with someone who just wants to throw you down on the bed and have sex with you all the time? Alright, now you did it. It shouldn't change your life.
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Recent Comments
Whoruohic 10:55:34 PM Aug 25 2009
People often get involved at a young age, wind up getting married very young and never really gave themselves the opportunity to meet other people.Not that I'm making excuses for anyone. Others cheat due to being in a relationship that was hurtfull, and with these regrets some people are just venting. All the cheating is cheating and some times it just feels good!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No just kidding! If it's 2 consenting adults it's there business.
TKdrum04 04:02:54 AM May 31 2009
I do see one positive result of this article. Look how many people are voicing their terrible experiences. It sure makes me never want to cheat or be with someone who is a cheater because of the devastation it can cause to not only their respective significant others, but to their friends and families. Maybe this is AOL's twisted experiment in trying to encourage healthy venting and social learning. The article just gave us 17 pages full of anger-inducing words that prompted many of us to speak about our problems and encourage others to watch out for cheating types.
Ronzoracing 11:28:06 PM May 23 2009
What a tasteless article. This is just another demonstration of how so many people today take no responsibility for their actions.
SlackerGirl121 03:12:51 AM May 05 2009
You have got to be kidding me. Great this has been 5 minutes of my life that I'll never get back. My intelect would have been better served watching something on YouTube!There's a reason the center of hell is reserved for betrayers. It's, what's the word I'm looking for....oh yeah, WRONG! As in unjustifiable. Inexcuseable. And for some of us, affairs are incomprhensible.
Wise2truth 06:35:56 PM May 04 2009
wow it's pretty sad that all of these statements within this article try to justify the fact that the affair is okay. Instead of cheating on the one you are with, you need to at least give them the desency of knowing there is a problem. Yes, sadly some people who are in relationship are unaware their partner is truley unhappy. Affair are NEVER okay... That's why the divorce rate is so high in this country. In the state of FL it costs $93.50 to file for a marriage license. That's it... What ever happened to for better or for worse...If you're too selfish to man up and admit to your partner how you feel before you decied to cheat then I hope the worst for you as well.
Rogerselain 06:20:44 PM May 04 2009
Your article sucks AOL screw you for justifying affairs. Oh these poor victims that find themselves in an affair. What the hell is that. I hope the person who wrote this and the supervisors who okay'd the article get screwed by your loved ones and perhaps catch an STD. Good for you
amphigoreyAP 01:16:30 AM May 04 2009
What is the point of this article? Hmm, let me figure out what type of affair I'm having instead of facing the problem head on and trying to fix the relationship or breaking it off with my partner in the first place. Good advice. Where does aol find these people?
Onewhitten 12:14:46 AM May 04 2009
My husband cheated on me 2 yrs ago. The most traumatizing thing of it all was the affect it had on my two girls. I dont think people realize how much damage this type of betrayal causes. I will NEVER love my husband the innocent and unconditional way I once did. He had my heart and soul. Now he just has pieces of it. I am told that it gets better with time and forgiveness. I dont see it! I just feel empty and wonder when the pain will stop. All I can do is take care of myself. Which is sad because once I took care of a family...and I was amazing at it.
Calibabylb 11:14:14 PM May 03 2009
This article is LAME. It reminds me of why I don't read aol articles anymore. Most of them are rubbish.
Calibabylb 11:12:12 PM May 03 2009
This is a pretty lame article. Now I know why I have began to ignore the articles on aol. Most of them are rubbish.
