Don't Take It Personally
Dont Take It Personally
By Ashley Neglia
Being in a relationship means openly sharing a part of yourself with another person. There's a fine line between intimacy and privacy, so the question is, do you and your partner know where to draw the line? AOL Love and Sex Coaches Dr. Bethany Marshall and Elina Furman weigh in on bathroom etiquette, sorting laundry, masturbation and more.
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Open-Door Policy
Problems arise in relationships when diverging open-door policies evolve into intimacy issues. Just because your partner doesn't want you watching them commune with the porcelain throne or vice-versa doesn't mean they're not committed. Especially at the beginning of a relationship, people have a tendency to "let it all hang out" in order to feel totally loved and accepted by their partners, says Marshall. But it's okay to keep some bathroom habits hidden, especially if the other person is uncomfortable. "You need to respect that boundary," says Furman. "As long as one person is not okay with it, there's never a point where it's acceptable," she says.
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Dirty Laundry
In any serious relationship it's inevitable that domestic chores will come up. But if watching your partner sort dirty underwear is enough to make you gag, it doesn't mean there's a problem with your relationship. "As a couple, you don't have to do everything together," says Furman. Sometimes insecure couples will spend more time together to prove that there's nothing wrong. "The more secure you are in a relationship, the less compelled you feel to do everything together," she says.
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Masturbation
"Some couples feel that any sexual act is something that should be shared," says Furman. Issues arise when one partner feels like the other is fulfilling an unmet need through self-pleasuring. "Masturbation shouldn't be taken as an indication that your partner isn't interested in you. It's a personal thing," says Furman.
If your partner is uncomfortable with you doing it, keep it to yourself or explain that you use masturbation for stress relief and that it doesn't impinge on your sexual drive.
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Communal Bed
Sleeping together is one of the most intimate acts a couple can share, even more so than sex. Falling asleep next to your partner means that you're comfortable being completely vulnerable with that person. While cuddling together night after night can strengthen intimacy, people still need their own space. "Until you've made a final commitment to be together, going apart and coming back together is a part of good mental health," says Marshall. "People overvalue the bed, like they overvalue the ring," she says. If your partner wants to sleep alone on occasion, don't read hidden messages into it unless it becomes a recurring theme, which could mean an intimacy breach. You need to understand that the other person has separate needs and that separateness and autonomy is not the same as rejection and abandonment, says Marshall.
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Sexual Fantasies
Sharing your sexual fantasies can be a big step in any relationship, especially if you don't know where your partner stands. "You have to feel out the situation before you launch into giving them every play-by-play." Furman suggests broaching the subject by talking about one of your tamer fantasies and gauging your partner's reaction. "If they're embarrassed or uncomfortable, they're not ready," she says.
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Quirks
If you're pushing 35 and still sleeping with your baby blanket, do you have to tell your significant other? "It's okay to keep things personal so long as it's not something that can hurt your partner, such as infidelity or addictions," says Furman. "If you have a teddy bear or a vibrator stashed somewhere, you don't have to share," she says. "It's not show-and-tell." It's important to keep part of yourself separate from the relationship, so you can say, "This is me, and we're together. But I still have my personal identity."
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Showers
Showering together or sensually bathing one another can be an overtly sexual act for any couple. But when showering becomes a daily ritual and loses its sexual zest, the relationship could be negatively affected. "There's a danger when engaging in personal hygiene acts together," says Furman. "It's an overly close intimacy, and a brotherly or sisterly relationship can develop." Unless you're pressed for time in the morning, it's best to shower alone when you want to get clean and bathe together when you want to get dirty.
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Meet the Parents
Every family has its quirks. But even if yours teeters dangerously close to the edge of dysfunctional, it's generally not a good idea to hide your partner from mom and dad forever. "If your family is a big part of your life you're not sharing, then that's a problem, even if you think they're insane," says Furman. It's only okay if you have a relative, say your crazy Uncle Curly, who you rarely see and who you doesn't have a direct influence on your life, to delay an introduction, says Furman. "But if you accept your family's insanity, that's a reflection on you, and you should be forthcoming," says Furman. "He or she will find out your quirks eventually."
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The Fart Factor
Farts happen, and at some point in your relationship, they'll happen to you or your partner. "People shouldn't be living like they're mannequins," says Furman. But just because you're comfortable enough to pass gas in front of your partner doesn't mean it should be a free-for-all. You or your partner should try to remain discreet and, at the very least, say excuse me. "It's a small little thing, but it helps remind us that we're civilized people," says Furman.
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Recent Comments
ATONYCLIFTON 01:51:36 PM Sep 23 2008
let's start off with the pic of the black guy with the white woman......everyone knows that a white girl who does this is viewed as a **** by her friends and family.....oh they may not say or allude to it in front of her, but you can be sure that's what they are thinking.......secondly, i agree with the poster who said that just about the only thing in a relationship that should be private is when they are "going to the bathroom".......i'm still laughing at the "sleeping in different beds " advice given by the author....thirdly, and most important....to the poster who wanted advice on her husband cheating on her, her taking him back, and now him having the audacity to not give her his email passwords......RUN LIKE CRAZY......why you took him back to begin with is a mystery to me......if my wife cheated on me there would be no second chance....i'd kick her out so fast it would make her head spin........
Ezra324 08:05:06 PM Sep 22 2008
Type your own comment here"It's an overly close intimacy, and a brotherly or sisterly relationship can develop." Right. Because that's what adult siblings do. Where do they get these "experts"? And why do they make it sound like it's common for couples to shower together every morning?
ljsurf32 06:19:14 PM Sep 22 2008
Everyone prefers different things...you can't write any of this in stone. I live with my boyfriend, and we happily share the bed every night. If one of us was to say otherwise, something would obviously be wrong. Taking showers together is just fine as well...and you can make masturbation part of sex play. Yes, people do it, and in a way can make the couple closer. We pretty much combine laundry too...the only place privacy is an issue is the obvious...when someone is using the toilet. lol. Different couples work differently...but this guide should not be taken seriously for everyone.
Coin Saver 04:38:31 PM Sep 22 2008
mlfree1 ... You mean the dark-haired white guy with the asian woman and the very blonde boy ... OH and theres a dog there too, what are they saying with THAT?....LOL wake up! this is the 21st Century, not the 1800's
Fran Platt 04:34:12 PM Sep 22 2008
"mlfree1 01:19:03 AM Sep 21 2008 What is AOL saying with the photo of the black guy and the white girl?"Ummmm, let's see... Could it be, "We all know that some couples are interracial, so let's depict one once in a while as a sample couple"? Nah, couldn't be that...Must be some kind of sinister conspiracy to dilute your gene pool.
KathrynPL 03:30:58 PM Sep 22 2008
To the person who responded to the quote, "People overvalue the bed, like they overvalue the ring." with " That is one stupid thing to say. Apparently, this Marshall person doesn't find value in the bed or in marriage. How sad." I think the sad thing here is that you make the author's point. The author did not say marriage is overvalued, s/he said the ring is overvalued. Ultimately a ring has NOTHING to do with a marriage. And many couples get caught up in buying the perfect ring, the perfect dress and throwing the perfect wedding and spend far too little time worrrying about what happens after the wedding...namely their marriage. So, I'd say you're the sad one.
Mitay 00 02:59:08 PM Sep 22 2008
Just curious... why would you air you laundry out here? Anyway, my thoughts would be yes... he will cheat again and as they say... a leopard cannot change his spots. As for a human the only way he could change his ways is if something life altering occured. I speak from the cheated on side and yes he continued to do what he did, so for the sake of your happiness and self esteem I would definitely consider leaving. Hiding things and not allowing you to look openly at his stuff is very wrong and controlling. I mean look at batlingrocker900... putz..
Tea cakes time 02:26:04 PM Sep 22 2008
Stuff like this is VERY opinionated, (just like fashion magazines) so its not a good idea to agree completely with everything that you read.Like they say, "different strokes for different folks".
Germjam63 05:24:55 AM Sep 21 2008
To "shsnotyourwife" Sounds to me like he is cheating again. If it sounds, walks and act like a duck...I guess it is a duck! I would ask him if he is cheating again. If he says no then tell him to prove it. You would like all the passwords to his email, voicemail and cellphones. If he doesn't give them....tell him in YOUR eyes then he doesn't want to prove it and is therefore guilty.
