How to Spot a Pick Up Artist
Is He Using a Line?
By Vicki Salemi
Watch out, ladies, there are a rash of seduction books that offer tips and tricks on how to get a woman into bed without dating her, let alone buying her a drink. We talked to Neil Strauss, author of "Rules of the Game," Paul Janka, author of "The Attraction Formula," and other self-described dating experts to help you spot these wannabe Casanovas before they pounce.
Pick Up Artist
Whispering in your ear
One sure way to spot a player is if he whispers a line into your ear: "How ya doin', cutie?" If this makes you uncomfortable or if it's too much, too soon, it's okay to back off. "If people cross boundaries a little bit too soon and it makes you uncomfortable, that's a red flag," says Janka. To which Daniel Buccino, a licensed clinical social worker teaching psychotherapy at Johns Hopkins University, adds, "People who tend to go too far too quickly set off warning signs and you shouldn't trust them."
"Let's go somewhere quiet"
If a guy wants to bolt and go somewhere quiet to "talk," think twice. Men who are exceedingly charming and flirtatious at first meeting well, "you're just going to be a notch on his belt," says Janka. Consider withholding sex by getting to know a guy, thinking objectively and waiting until you're sure that he wants more than physical gratification. Too many ladies think they've really "hooked" a man, when all he wants is sex. "If you feel like you're special [to him], ask yourself 'Why me?' Try to get past your ego."
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Phone tag
When a guy doesn't ask for your number but gives you his instead, that's a red flag, says Strauss, also known as Style. "If a guy wants to see you again he'll be sure to get your digits," His advice? Exchange numbers instead. Janka adds, "If a guy says, 'call me', he puts the burden on the woman to initiate contact. I would say that is not good."
He doesn't buy you a drink
He's just not that into you. Plain and simple. Although Strauss points out a guy could simply be broke and not be able to afford it. "People should just do what they want to do," he says. "The rules for guys is the same for girls: you don't have to buy someone a drink in order to talk to them." However, if he doesn't buy you a drink and expects you to pick up rounds the entire night, it's game over.
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He has a wingman
While your wannabe Casanova relies on a wingman to distract your friends so he can win you over with his wit and charm, Strauss recommends sticking with good old-fashioned one-on-one conversation. "It could be a little too much male energy in your face," he says.
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Pick up lines with a purpose
"You smell good, baby. What are you wearing?" asks the wannabe Don Juan as he leans in to sniff your hair. Cheesy? Yes. Ice breaker? You bet. Strauss says it's important to trust your instincts if someone comes across as creepy. There are exceptions. Some guys may be shy and are looking for an excuse to talk to you, while others simply cross the line. "A lot of women may get scared, but if you get a good feeling you should follow through cautiously," says Strauss.
Taking photos
"We'd make a cute couple, wouldn't we?" he asks as he whips out his cell phone or digital camera to snap a photo. Word to the wise: things are definitely getting creepy. Tessina suggests saying something like, "Please don't take my picture -- I'm not ready to be on your blog or web page." Strauss adds that this is a situation where your instincts should kick into high gear, and you should definitely follow them.
One-night stands
"Men are programmed to sleep with girls," says Janka. "Many of them will try to get the goods sooner rather than later. Often, if he's willing to wait he's a less passionate man, but this isn't always true; he may have tremendous discipline." If your Casanova is interested in a one-night stand, he probably does not want a relationship. "If you don't want sport sex, don't do it. Hold out for a while, until you know who you're dealing with. Don't drink too much on a date so your inhibitions are there to help you say 'no'. This is especially true if you tend to give your heart along with your body," said Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., psychotherapist and author of "The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again."
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Covert touching
Whether it's the lower back, neck or forearm, listen up sisters: if he's touching you there, he's indeed a player. Dr. Tessina explains that this type of man is acting "too pushy, too intimate for a first meeting. Be careful not to be too reactive -- it might be accidental -- and keep a little distance. If he does it again, you'll know it's on purpose and you can say, 'Excuse me, but you're crowding me and making me uncomfortable'."
Backhanded compliments
Negs are small insults which build trust so the guy isn't blatantly wooing you with phrases like, "You're beautiful." Instead, he's throwing little digs or observations such as, "Your nose ring wiggles when you laugh." Remember, insults are insults. "They're not cool, edgy or cute," says Tessina. "Tell him it's insulting and drop him flat. Remember, if this is his best courting behavior, it will only get worse."
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Recent Comments
Crazykittieboy 11:28:45 PM Aug 27 2009
The funniest part is how WRONG this article is. I mean, he is a pick up artist, he clearly isn't telling you the truth, he is telling women the direct opposite of what pick up artists do on purpose. hahahaha. its hilarious.
Mewsetta 04:09:04 PM Jul 29 2009
Women can learn to seduce men too. There's an organization called Sirens that teaches women how to get the men they want. The founder's blog is awesome, www ardenleigh typepad com .
Mewsetta 04:05:11 PM Jul 29 2009
TWO can play this game!! Have you heard of Sirens, which teaches women to seduce men? The founder's blog is great: www.ardenleigh.typepad.com. And they teach classes in the NYC area: www.meetup.com/sirens.
Bellweatherrock 06:00:39 PM Apr 16 2009
A lot of what is in the article may be true but for the most part I feel the books/guides were created for guys who didn't know how to pick up girls. I find it interesting in that of all the books out there Mr Janko's is the most hard core. Most of the books out there give tips on how to find the girl of your dreams. Mr Jankos book is the one that tells you stop a girl, give her a line, get her phone number, text her in an hour, get her to go out. He is the one that advocates getting 100 numbers and that he has an 11% success rate in bedding girls. He is the one that says do not take them to dinner unless you have had sex first. He just sent out an email telling folks how to do a craiglist posting looking for a room mate in a studio with one bed. The girls have to have sex with him to see if the arrangement will work. A lot of the people meaning men and women who sell these books work together and recommend each other. I find it odd that they never recommend Mr Janko. So I am thinking
Talo 821 06:09:21 PM Apr 13 2009
This is a couple of thousand year old game summed up in a tidy little bow. A man touches your hand. A) He's a player. B) He feels comfortable with you, and was into you enough, he didn't think about it. C) He's nervous, and wants to keep your attention. D) He thinks you are attractive, and wants to gently tell you that. (seems flipping his hair and giggling to loudly won't work for him) D) He was just eaten alive by one of your piranha girlfriends, and wants to see if you are real, or yet another "Player" yourself.... Quick, check the guide.... it'll tell you!.. NOT!
SoulKey4 06:04:29 PM Apr 13 2009
Because a guy doesn't buy a girl's drink means he's a player? I hate that 'tradition'. Guys shouldn't always have to buy the dinner, the drinks, whatever. Relationships are supposed to be equal, right? The woman can pay sometimes, and so can the man. This article in general is just wrong and sexist.
Tteacherpet 05:21:15 PM Apr 13 2009
I think what he he saying is true .These are earliy sexual advances small testsfor quick bedding.
Tteacherpet 05:18:31 PM Apr 13 2009
Neil Strass is right ,if you do not elieve him then you are a sucker or want to be picked up.
DavidoffM 04:28:33 PM Apr 13 2009
My advice to women is simple. Use your gut reaction You know if a guy is a creep. Most of the stuff described in this article are normal behaviors for a guy trying to start a relationship with a women. How are you going to get in touch if he doesnt give you his phone # ? Touching your hand or sholder tells a guy if you are at all interested in him. if you flee he knows your not interested and if a decent guy he will back off and not bother you again. If he keeps trying to touch you he is probably a creep. Also the guy that trys to take a picture of you before you have any type of a relationship is a creep. Buying you a drink doesnt make him a nice guy or a bad guy. Getting you home and not taking advantage of you when you are drunk is how you can tell if hes nice or not. Best clue, see how he treats other people hes not interested in thats who he really is.
rogue2381 03:43:09 PM Apr 13 2009
FFS, women already hold almost all the cards when it comes to dating and flirting. Why attack MEN attempting to learn how to date and flirt back?
