Dating In The Office

The Rules of Office Romance

By Ashley Neglia

Conventional wisdom tells us it's not a good idea to dip your pen in the company ink. But according to a 2008 survey from Vault, 58 percent of respondents reported doing just that -- by being involved in an office romance. While this figure is somewhat remarkable, considering the typical office's penchant for fluorescent lighting, it's easy to understand that the amount of time like-minded co-workers spend together can often lead to lasting relationships. Twenty percent of marriages stem from office romances, according to Stephanie Losee and Helaine Olen, AOL Coaches and authors of "Office Mate: The Employee Handbook for Finding -- and Managing -- Romance on the Job." While Losee and Olen are proponents of cubicle love -- both met their spouses at work -- they do caution that there are some rules you need to abide by to ensure that any office romance you embark on doesn't leave your career in shambles.

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Eyes Wide Open

"If you have a [work] crush on someone above or below you, you better be able to see the whole thing in front of you, mortgage, kids, the entire future, including the consequences of it not working out," says Olen. According to Olen and Losee's research, most people are more cautious before getting involved in a long-term office relationship. "It's a myth that people get into an office romance without thinking about it," says Olen. "It's quite the opposite." Most people aren't even aware that a relationship is developing until they're actually in the throes of it, and many people find that rumors of their relationship precede the actual relationship by months or years.

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The Love Contract

You should avoid dating your boss or a subordinate employee at all costs. But sometimes cupid's finicky arrow can't be helped. According to Vault's survey, 14 percent reported that they had dated a superior, while 19 percent have dated a subordinate. So if you're in an office relationship that bridges the corporate ladder, be prepared to sign a "love contract." The love contract is a piece of paper that companies may give a couple if one or both partners are in a position of high command in order to ensure that the relationship is consensual, says Losee.


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No Means No

"If you make a move on somebody and they indicate they don't want a relationship, don't follow up in two weeks -- or two months," says Olen. "The office is not a place to play coy games. That's where a line does have to be drawn."

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If You Cheat, You Could Lose Your Job

"Extramarital affairs are a real firing offense," says Losee. "And often, they can result not in just being fired but felony convictions." Remember the Mark Everson debacle? The former head of the Red Cross was summarily fired after having an interoffice relationship with a married subordinate. At the time, Everson himself was married with two children. "The reason it happens isn't the relationship itself," she says. "It's a public embarrassment -- a scarlet A -- and the company cannot be seen to condone such behavior." Termination aside, infidelity in the office is uncomfortable for everyone, particularly when employees or co-workers have to interact with the spouse, says Olen. It can leave a nasty undertone, especially during office gatherings.

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Watch Your Words

There's nothing more embarrassing than being called into your boss's office to have what you thought were "private" e-mails printed and recited aloud. "What you really, really shouldn't do is conduct your romance via e-mail, text or IM," says Losee. "Of course, e-mail is owned by your company, and they don't pretend anymore that they're not reading it." Be cautious about using corporate cell phones to send revealing text messages, and do your best to save all romantic communiqués for quitting time.

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Don't Mix Business with Pleasure

Let's face it, even if your co-workers already know about your relationship, that doesn't mean it's OK to profess your undying love for one another in front of the fax machine, water cooler or paper shredder. "The number-one thing that you don't want to do is to make any kind of [romantic] approach in the office," says Losee. Not only will your amorous interactions nauseate fellow employees, but too much romantic face-time at work could result in relationship overload. You both need breathing room, so space out the time you spend together in the office, and save it for after hours.

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Keep It Professional

It's important to keep things on an even keel at the office, but you can't hide your tryst forever. Eventually, your co-workers are going to find out through interoffice chatter. But even if you usually confide in them about personal matters, Losee and Olen caution to tread lightly. "You have to draw a line, because they're professional colleagues," says Olen. "So you can't really go to the well on that friendship too deeply." It's alright to share, but don't go overboard, and be sure to keep the juicy details to yourself.

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Walk the Line

That being said, it's important not to 86 your work friends completely. "It's a huge mistake, and it's so easily made," says Losee. You shouldn't tell your associates every last detail of your relationship, but you need to be careful that you don't end up totally cutting them off and isolating yourself from a very precious avenue of knowledge -- the kind that fills you in on upcoming promotions and juicy assignments. It's a very fine line to walk, so decide early on what you're willing to divulge to office friends and what needs to be kept in the vault.

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Keep Your Cool

Keep your emotions in check while you're in the office. Whether it's a fight or even an emotional break up make sure that neither gets carried over into the workday. "People have been let go under those circumstances," says Olen. Just because it's an office romance doesn't mean that you get special treatment, she says. So if you're going to behave badly, no matter what the circumstances, be prepared to face the consequences.

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