When He Drops a Bomb

Funny Thing, Guys and Secrets

Courtesy of Women's Health

If "Let's be totally open with each other" is the party line of your relationship, be careful what you wish for. More often than not, coming clean creates a god-awful mess. To help you handle his next explosive confession, we asked experts for tips on how to put out the flames--none of which include screaming or smashing his iPod. Here's what to do when he tells you he...

...slept with his best female friend before he met you

Alrighty, then. But why is he telling you now? "Unless you asked for the declaration, this confession seems potentially cruel and hurtful; it doesn't help deepen or advance the current relationship," Buccino says. If he can't give a logical reason for why he felt compelled to confess, make cutthroat inquiries: How long ago did it happen? Does he ever feel tempted to do it again? Does he have deeper feelings for her--or anyone else? Provided you don't have a history of unfounded jealousy, use your gut to interpret his responses. By the end of it all, you'll know where you stand--and whether that will be next to him.

...has herpes -- and that's why you still haven't shtupped

This doesn't necessarily mean what you think it means. "When people hear STD, they think promiscuous," says Carole Marks, M.D., associate director of the department of family medicine at Long Island College Hospital in Brooklyn. "But just one bad decision can lead to a lifetime of painful breakouts." You may be angry that he's been holding out on you, but remember that he's announcing his STD to try to save you from being exposed. Don't demand that he spill his entire sexual history, but do ask him how and when the diagnosis was made--and whether he's been tested for other STDs. "The fact that he has herpes is not necessarily a deal-breaker," Marshall says. "But you might want to delay having sex until you're sure the relationship is serious."

...wants to quit his job to "find himself"

Where, exactly, is he planning to look? "Ask him how he thinks this transitional phase will affect the relationship and how long he sees the transition lasting," says Nancy D. O'Reilly, Psy.D., a clinical psychologist based in Springfield, Missouri. "If he's vague about what he wants to achieve and how he plans to achieve it, be worried." Backing his resolve to seek a more fulfilled life doesn't mean giving him license to play with his Xbox 360 all day. Your honey should be able to soul-search and pull his weight at the same time, whether that means doing chores or getting a part-time job.

...secretly withdrew money from your joint savings to buy a new flat-screen TV

Stifle your urge to even the score with a pair of Louboutins. The issue here is secrecy, not cash. "Call him on his sneakiness and unilateral decision-making, but don't be hostile," says Daniel L. Buccino, assistant professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at Johns Hopkins School of Medicine. Instead, express confusion. Open with this line: "Help me understand what you were thinking when you spent our money without checking in with me." Move into an "I feel" statement, such as "I feel hurt and betrayed when you make big decisions without talking to me first"--and finish with a plan of action, Buccino advises. Another good idea: Set up "yours," "mine," and "ours" bank accounts.

...changed his mind and doesn't want kids

"This is an instant deal-breaker," says Leah Klungness, Ph.D., a psychologist and co-author of The Complete Single Mother. "It's a clear message, and it's essential to understand that this likely is not negotiable." Changing his mind about his career, where to live, or where to vacation won't have life-altering consequences, Klungness says, but "children are the only 'always and forever' commitment." If having kids is a must-have for you, hoping he'll magically come around to your point of view only sets you up for disappointment.


How Should I Put This...

You crashed his Porsche. You've gone from having credit card debt to filing for bankruptcy. You kissed your trainer. Bad news all. How do you tell your guy? A few pointers. Before you say a word, "set the protocol for how you want to be treated," says marriage and family therapist Bethany Marshall, Ph.D. "Let him know that although what you're about to say may upset him, you expect to be treated like an adult."

Shoot Straight

Be straightforward, says Gretchen Hirsch, author of The Complete Idiot's Guide to Difficult Conversations. "Don't waffle, weasel, or use evasive language," she says. "Don't say you had a little fender-bender if half the car is bashed in." Make things as right as you can. "Even if it costs you time and money," she recommends, "take responsibility for the damage you've caused."

Sweat It Out

Confront him after he's back from the gym. With all that increased blood flow from the exercise, his endorphin high should make him more centered and less anxious, according to exercise physiologist Carol B. Espel, M.S., national director of group fitness and Pilates for Equinox Fitness Clubs. Or catch him after his yoga class, which should leave him feeling calmer.

Location, Location, Location

Where you break your big news is as important as how you break your big news, Marshall says. If you're after resolution and togetherness, talk at home. Just remember that it's A-OK for either of you to take a break to collect your scattered thoughts, she says, even if that's as simple as using the dog as an excuse to take a walk around the block.