Where is the Lust?

Where is the Lust?

From Women's Health

Whether you're stressed, he's tired, or you both have something else on your minds, it's perfectly normal to have the occasional sex-free week. But if you've been low on lust for a little too long, there are plenty of ways to reignite the flames. We identified four phases in relationships when sex drives typically fizzle and asked top experts for the best strategies to get you both back into a steamy groove.

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Lackluster Phase #1: The Novelty Has Officially Worn Off

When you first met, your mattress springs squeaked on a regular basis and you always had that dewy glow. That's because infatuation triggers the release of extra dopamine, a brain chemical that fuels your libido, says Laura Berman, Ph.D., director of the Berman Center for sexual health and menopause management in Chicago and author of "The Passion Prescription." When the novelty wears off, so does the dopamine boost, Dr. Berman says.



Get Back on Track: Scare your pants off

Dopamine also kicks in when you're taken by surprise. "Do things that are new and different together, even a little scary," Dr. Berman says. Even a relatively tame act can be a thrill if it's unexpected, says Sherry Amatenstein, relationship expert and author of "Love Lessons from Bad Breakups." Pick up a box of drugstore hair color (the kind that eventually washes out) and go to town on each other. You'll get that sexy hands-on-the-scalp feeling along with the risky excitement of not knowing quite how it's going to turn out.

Reset boundaries

Sometimes people get so comfortable together they forget that sexual attraction requires a little mystery and excitement, says Mary Ann Donohue, Ph.D., administrative director of psychiatric services at Hackensack University Medical Center in New Jersey. Maybe it's time to start closing the bathroom door, burping under your breath, and getting dressed up for bed the way you used to. And schedule some dates at swank venues -- cocktails at a posh hotel bar or a night at the opera -- where you have to dress up and act formal. Seeing each other looking your best and surrounded by lights, music, and other couples can bring back the thrill of dating, which will segue into livelier sex when you get home.

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Lackluster Phase #2: You're About to Forsake All Others

And one, or both, of you is freaking out. Before her wedding, "I was so stressed about losing control over my life," says 33-year-old Stephanie T., who's been married to Joel for 10 years. For some of us, the idea of one sexual partner for a lifetime makes walking barefoot over thumbtacks sound more appealing than sauntering down the aisle.


Get Back on Track: Just do it

Sex is how guys say "you're the center of my universe" without having to utter the actual words. "Women may want to shoot me for this, but in an otherwise good relationship, if you sometimes go ahead with sex even when you're not in the mood, the benefits can be significant," Dr. Berman says. Stop addressing those envelopes and undress each other instead. That 5-minute nooky break tells him he's more important than the florist or the caterer, Dr. Berman says. And it releases oxytocin, a hormone that makes you feel bonded and attached - so you'll remember the reason for those 200 invites in the first place.

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Look beyond the big day

Odds are on your side: Married women are more than twice as likely as single ones to have sex two or three times a week, according to a survey by the National Opinion Research Center. And that marriage bond will actually bring you closer. "These last few years we've been very sexually connected," Joel says. What's different? He and Stephanie know each other better. "Now we communicate about intimacy; we make time to do that. We've grown to understand the other person's sexuality and needs better, too."

Lackluster Phase #3: One Of You Gets Pink-Slipped

"We'd been dating for a year when Matt got fired," says Cynthia B., 41. "He responded by withdrawing; he didn't want to sleep with me." Stress -- financial or otherwise -- can cause levels of libido-stoking testosterone to drop, says Beverly Whipple, Ph.D., a neurophysiologist and coauthor of "The G-Spot: And Other Discoveries About Human Sexuality." And when a guy loses his provider status it's a blow to his ego and manhood - not exactly the feeling he wants to bring into the bed. If you've been canned? Research reported in the Journal of the American Medical Association shows that when a woman's income is reduced by just 20 percent, her self-worth and sex drive can plummet.


Get Back on Track:Tackle it together

When he's the one taking the hit, form a united front, says Yvonne Thomas, Ph.D., a psychologist in Los Angeles. Refer to the issue as "ours" instead of "his," which lets him know you don't blame him. Also make it clear that he hasn't lost any status in your eyes. Remind him how talented and capable he is. Then break out the massage oil and offer to rub his worries away. No, you're not his geisha girl, but playing that role for a night or two will pump up his self-esteem.



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Think dirty thoughts

When it's you in the stress-induced slump, talking about sex in a positive way can be powerful, Dr. Berman says. She suggests saying something like "I miss being intimate with you." It can help you recall your last intimate encounter -- and all the delicious details -- reminding you how good getting naked can make you feel.