Divorce-Proof Your Marriage
Is True Love A Fairy Tale?
By Vicki Salemi
In 2006, nearly 2.2 million people were married in the United States, according to the U.S. Census Bureau. We've all heard the statistic. Nearly 50 percent of those marriages are doomed to fail. But is it really true? Empirical data aside, what facets of a marriage determine what chances it has for success or failure? Our experts say it is indeed possible to yearn for happily ever after, but you need to work toward it.
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Fact or Fiction?
Although the numbers tell all: Although half of the marriages in this country will eventually end in divorce, this means the other half live happily ever after. Alex Lluch, sex and relationship expert and author of "Simple Principles for a Happy and Healthy Marriage", "Most people do not get divorced because they fall out of love; most people get divorced because they grow dissatisfied and disconnected from their relationships. When there is work to be done on the relationship, they are either too tired or unwilling to try. Being married is not easy. Like getting anything you want in life, it takes work, dedication, and negotiation."
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Keys to Success
Going into a marriage and anticipating happily after ever, experts say, boils down to thinking of yourselves as a team. "Perhaps the most important thing to remember is that you are each one-half of a team, working toward common goals, such as harmony, happiness, and healthy communication," says Lluch. "If you imagine a football team, they can never score a touchdown if all the players are doing their own thing, running in different directions. Being happily married means knowing when to work together, when to compromise, and when having a disagreement (if done right) can actually strengthen your union."
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Can a Marriage Be Divorce-Proof?
Not all marriages are destined to fail. One of the keys to achieving the realistic fairy tale is keeping your expectations in check. The goal in every marriage should be to have solid and realistic expectations, says Lluch. Having low expectations is not productive -- when a person has low expectations they tend to underestimate their partner and disrespect themselves. Having overly high expectations, however, can set you up for failure. If you expect something of someone that they haven't promised, or have no way of delivering, you're setting yourself up for disappointment.
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Warning Signs While Dating
If you're wondering if a doomed marriage will show red flags early on in the dating process, you're right. According to Dr. Leslie Seppinni, a licensed marriage/family therapist and clinical psychologist practicing in Beverly Hills, "People tell us who they are as soon as we meet them." Whether or not we're open to seeing it is another story. "People overlook all the red flags," she says. For instance, if someone is cheap in the beginning, they'll also be cheap in the end, says Seppinni.
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Warning Signs of Divorce
"Research shows there are two big predictors for divorce," says Lluch. "The first is a problematic communication style, such as expressing antagonism or showing a lack of respect for your partner. The second is a basic disconnection when a couple no longer turns to one another for love or comfort." Seppinni reminds us that a marriage is not about material things a couple owns, but rather the communication and quality of the relationship itself. In this troubled economy for instance, she recommends something as simple as taking a hike. You can be together and enjoy each other's company without spending a lot of money.
For Better or for Worse
"Divorce isn't inevitable for half the married couples in America if care is taken to nurture the relationships," explains Dr. Keith Ablow, psychologist, bestselling author and founder of LivingtheTruth.com. "Realistically, the richness of a marriage comes from the high and low points that the story of the marriage courses through," he says. "In every family, including our families of origin, there are periods of conflict, sometimes quite serious. It's true with our parents and our siblings. And it is no less true in the families we create."
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Know When to Say When
The point of no return doesn't have to mean divorce. Lluch explains, "I would like to say that it is never too late to save a marriage. In most situations, if the love and willingness to work together was once there, it can be injected back into the relationship. Marriages have ebbs and flows, summers and winters, but if you and your partner are willing to weather them together, you can always get back to good."
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Everlasting Love
Experts say communication is key to creating a long, healthy marriage. "People typically don't sit down together prior to getting married to communicate their goals. They need to have a vision of the relationship and where they see themselves." Seppinni also says the number-one reason for failed marriages is problems regarding finances.
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Is True Love a Fairy Tale?
"True love isn't a fairy tale at all," says Ablow. "It's a very real story about being willing to experience discomfort, as well as joy, with another person." Ultimately, this realistic story may include various ups and downs as it equates to love, hard work, commitment and sacrifices you make with your partner.
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Recent Comments
sea wa guy67 01:04:46 AM Oct 11 2008
Stinaf, I found her at work LOL. I don't think most women seek affairs.My wife is just special. Like DH is saying, the first couple years are great. People who have affairs are trying to get that back, but they quickly find out they are right back where they started.
Mikey1301 12:44:21 AM Oct 11 2008
AOL and their idea of love is like G.W. Bush and the economy!!!
Dhsoutherncross 11:58:43 PM Oct 10 2008
well to all you newlyweds who think you know it all wrong wrong wrong your in a marriage right now where the sex is great. your all lovey dovey and you see things thru rose colored glasses. wait on down the road when she starts to look like ethel mertz and you start looking like fred. when you have folks who die in your family and that is the best party you have been to in ten years. wait till you leave the seat up for the tehth million time. or she leaves those nasty ass panties in the floor so you can pick them up. or your so tired and worried all you can do is fall bitterly to sleep for the tenth thousand time.wait until you get that call at 2 am and your kid is in a automobile accident. you have not seen anything yet and the worst part all that great sex you used to have is long gone. and your neighbors wife starts looking really good over the fence. wait until you come up with diabetis and your a hundered pounds over weight and the cheapest gas you get is a nice big stinky fart.
VA MACK GIRL 10:53:41 PM Oct 10 2008
I have been married to MY BEST FRIEND for almost 12 years.... 2 children..... the secret is SIMPLE.....It's 2 simple things........................BE best friends and TRUST each other!!!Believe..........this is true!!! =) xoxoxoxoxoxo
Stinaf 09:40:29 PM Oct 10 2008
sea wa guy67 how did you find that piece of work LOL Or was it something you did? Most women don't just go out and seek to have affairs.
Stinaf 09:37:14 PM Oct 10 2008
I love how these people who have only been married maybe 2 years post things on this comment board saying how wonderful their marraige is and so forth hinting that THEY will NEVER have any problems. Give yourselves at least 10 years before you say that you love each other as much as the first time you met:) You are still just babies when it comes to marraige, don't become lathargic and find yourselves not talking as much as you used to or get bored with each other and break up when your marraige is mature since that is when most people split. Good luck though!
sea wa guy67 01:12:54 AM Oct 09 2008
I took my wife back after she had an affair. We went to couseling and it was agreed that she should work some where that didn't employ men. Now she has left me for the Fedex guy, the only man she sees at work. I don't think there is anything I could have done. I do think some times a marriage is doomed from the begining.
GracesMommy08 07:59:21 PM Oct 07 2008
Marriage is hard..no one ever told me it was easy..I am 20 years old, and have a beautiful daughter..I have been married to my husband for 2 years now and I am so grateful that I was lucky enough to find that one person I would spend the rest of my life with at such a young age...we have been through so many trials since the begining of our relationship and have made it through them all...honesty, support, and love is what it takes...you have to be very understanding and support each other in everything even if you don't agree with your husband/wife on the topic at hand...anyone that finds someone they trully love will be willing to do whatever it takes..
RANDYCLAY720 04:28:41 PM Oct 06 2008
I can't believe people are buying this advice. Its the same stuff you get in a cracker jacks box.........Communication, respect, and on and on.....I hope the guy or gal that wrote this article is not being paid for it. No wonder AOL is going bankrupt!
Kmarchese13 05:06:32 AM Oct 05 2008
After talking your pole over with my husband, I thought I would write to let you know that allthought we have only been married since Jan of this year we have been through more trials and tribulations than most couples do in a life time. But if you have to gage the sucess of your marriage by a a poll you find online than you have bigger issues than divorce proofing your relationship. My husband and i live by three simple words, honesty, loyality and respect. Its not that hard and trust me we have made it through the most dificult of issues. We met by chance and he saved me by choice. Everyday he tells me how much he loves me and how beautiful I am. I could'nt ask for more. True love yes its not a fairy tale, but you have to work for it. Nobody said love was easy but it sure is nice.
