Lying and Relationships
The Liars in Our Lives
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By Michelle Burford
On average, people tell three lies every 10 minutes -- from "I was just about to call you" and “You've lost weight!" to “Your secret is safe with me" and “I love you, too." Think this claim is a bit of an exaggeration? University of Massachusetts psychology professor Robert Feldman, Ph.D., has spent the last 25 years proving it. In his book entitled "The Liar in Your Life: The Way to Truthful Relationships," Feldman presents evidence on why we lie, just how often we stretch the truth and the costs and benefits that come with such fibbing -- whether it's the so-called “little white lie," a Madoff-style whopper or something in between. "The most surprising finding of my research is how ubiquitous lying is," says Feldman. “It occurs at a rate far greater than I ever expected to find. In fact, lying is so frequent that we don't even register that it's happening."
Lying also begins early: Feldman says that we learn to weave these tangled webs during toddlerhood, at around age two or three. The older children get, the more sophisticated their lies become. In a sense, they're training for survival in the adult world, since Feldman's research shows that popular, socially successful people tend to be good liars. Yet even with the social advantages that come with fudging, Feldman contends that all lies exact a toll -- on both the person who delivers the fiction and the one who is duped by it.
AOL Health: Why do we lie?
Robert Feldman, Ph.D.: We lie because it works. And it works because other people want to hear lies about themselves -- that they're looking good or that we agree with them. In some cases, we lie because it gives us an advantage over others -- we lie to convince people of what we want them to believe. There are a lot of reasons, but the bottom line is that lying is a social tactic that we use to get what we want.
AOL Health: Have humans evolved as liars because some lying is actually necessary for survival?
Feldman: Though we certainly learn to lie as we grow up, lying also has evolutionary roots. You can look throughout the non-human animal kingdom and see that animals lie in simple ways, like through camouflage. They also lie in more intricate ways: A firefly emits a signal to attract fireflies and other species, and the one that's attracted is eaten in the end. Animals with more sophisticated cognitive levels, like chimps and apes, use all sorts of deception. It's an effective means for survival.
AOL Health: If lying gives us a social advantage, what's so great about telling the truth all the time?
Feldman: Apart from the moral question, lying as a tactic often backfires. If a relationship begins with a lie -- and my research has shown that people lie, on average, three times within the first 10 minutes of getting to know each other -- the connection is built on falsehood. From there, the lies can snowball, leading to larger and larger lies. Dishonesty leads to a kind of inauthenticity -- and I think most of us want more authentic relationships. We want to be honest with others, and we want to know where we stand with them. If we're constantly being lied to, we have a false impression of what the relationship is all about. And in some ways, we never really understand who we are as people, because we get social feedback from others about what our capabilities are -- "You're doing a great job!" It's not necessarily true, so we can never really assess ourselves accurately.
AOL Health: What kinds of lies do we most commonly tell?
Feldman: When we lie to other people, we're usually trying to make them feel good about themselves -- "I agree with you" or "That's a wonderful new tie." We also lie to make the conversation go more smoothly. So when someone mentions a restaurant or a book, you say, “Yes, I've been there" or “I've read that." Or you say you liked a movie when you really didn't.
Then there are the self-oriented lies. To make ourselves look better and to puff ourselves up, we claim “I've traveled to Europe" or “I was in the National Honor Society in high school." Most of us think that we're above average, and we lie to reinforce our belief that we really are smarter, more capable, a better driver, you name it. This inflated view of ourselves is basically what allows us to get through the day. It's a mechanism we use to enhance and protect our self-image.
Next: Why You Can't Spot a Liar and How to Deal with Deception Among Friends and Family
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Recent Comments
DaH3CdO 05:05:42 PM Aug 24 2009
Looks like one of the biggest lies is that we all seem to think we are so smart that our opinion matters.I think before assuming that we are worthy to do so, we need to be sure that we can spell correctly.As far as liars go, it takes one to know one!
DAN36124 09:53:35 AM Aug 19 2009
TexGunS--While I appreciate your sentiment..(you sound like a nice guy/girl)...But I do not want to "accept" those that believe....Most "believers" will try left and right to convince me that I should believe...threaten with eternal damnation or other such utter stupidity....So while believers think they're saving or helping me, I'd like to think I'm helping to save you by thinking for yourself and opening your eyes. I don't think it's healthy to think you can speak a prayer out loud and look to the sky and hope for something to happen because somebody (god?) will help you...? How selfish and silly. I believe you should do things for yourself. And live a good life...Do good things...But I don't have to pretend that there's a giant invisible person controlling things. It's just a waste of time. If you hadn't been brainwashed from birth you might think differently.Anyway, to stay on topic about the lying....I cannot stand lying or liars. I absolutely hate having to tell lies...Of course
Coach302 08:41:55 AM Aug 19 2009
It doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that everyone is born with a sin nature and lieing comes natural.
RankFRILEY 06:55:23 AM Aug 19 2009
Is this the way all Christians think. Its okay to lie since you are forgiven. The morale to this is never trust a Christian.
lm11994 06:44:57 AM Aug 19 2009
we r all liars, the bible says all have fallen short of the glory of God. The urge to lie is completely natural because of our human nature that tempts us to sin. the bible also says that while we were still sinners Christ died for us, so that we mite have forgiveness from them. I still lie, but now im forgiven for it. :)
Yaaffandina 06:41:24 AM Aug 19 2009
And how about the countles numbers of CEO'S , Excecutives and Heads of Companies that keep popping up every day for getting caught lying and cheatting on thier employes and exploiting their assets ! And we all know how hischool students manage to navigate their way through highschool with nothing but little lies left and right to make their way through. It is by far the disease of the century,, not that it is something new, but it has existed ever since the dawn of mankind in the ancient stories of the Bible. Honsty, Truthfullness and being forthright are qualities hard to come by these days.
PAmorgan2929 06:26:22 AM Aug 19 2009
I havee an adopted son, that has never learned to lie. His mother raised him while I worked in the Oklahoma Oilfields. He was a baby that was born addicted to alcohol and cocaine. We stayed up nights holding his little, loving body. While he went thru a mortal hell. He's 26 years old now, and I can promise you that every lie he has told, was to keep from hurting someones feelimgs. Little White Lie.
DA3703 05:48:31 AM Aug 19 2009
It sounds as though whomever wrote this article is feeling guilty about their own life. I have only one thing to say about it...........this article is a lie.
Sgbtexas 05:21:29 AM Aug 19 2009
i thought toddlers were the most honest kinds of ppl? i think this dr. is exaggerating a little bit here. . .
