How Siblings Shape You
7 Ways Your Siblings May Have Shaped You
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It's not just your parents who are responsible for how you turned out.
Oh, how the world changed when his parents went out, leaving him in the hands of his big brother. "That was always a great opportunity for him to have fun, typically at my expense," he recalls. While he could stay up late and watch shows like Gunsmoke, those privileges came at a price. His brother spoon-fed him putrid concoctions from the fridge, once shocked him with a live wire, and another time wrapped him head to toe like a mummy, so that only his nostrils peeked out. "I didn't ever suffer permanent injury," he says, laughing. "Except maybe to my mind."
Ah, siblings: both a blessing and a curse. Approximately 80 percent of Americans have at least one brother or sister; in fact, kids today are more likely to grow up with a sibling than a father, experts say. What's more, the sibling relationship is the longest relationship that most people will have in their lives. Yet brothers and sisters have gotten short shrift in the research about what affects who we are and how we behave, experts say. They've been "amazingly neglected," says Judith Dunn, a professor of developmental psychology at King's College London.
Not least among those now paying attention are psychoanalysts, whose principal preoccupation has traditionally -- and with good reason -- been the powerful influence of parents. Many psychoanalysts now concede that people can be shaped as much or more by their siblings, says Jonah Schein, an associate clinical professor of psychiatry at the Weill Cornell Medical College who held a conference called "Missing: Siblings in Psychoanalysis" last fall.
"My brother certainly did have a big impact on my life," says Lew Bank, 61. Some 50 years after being mummy-wrapped in his parent's basement, Bank is a psychologist and a senior scientist at the Oregon Social Learning Center who studies siblings -- an interest that was piqued in part by his strong relationship with his brother. Though the extent of the sibling influence varies greatly from family to family and person to person, "there's growing evidence to suggest that siblings shape each other in important ways," says Laurie Kramer, a professor of applied family studies at the University of Illinois at Urbana, Champaign. Here are a few:
* They may buffer stress. Warm sibling relationships can be protective, says Dunn, and seem to buffer kids against stressful events, like parents' separation.
* They provide good practice. Research has clocked the rate of sibling squabbles at anywhere between six to 10 disputes per hour for certain childhood age groups, says Kramer. While these conflicts can be a headache for parents, they can help kids make developmental strides in a "safe relationship" and provide good training for interacting with peers, says Kramer. "You know there's nothing really that you can do to make this [other] child terminate the relationship." No matter what, he'll be there tomorrow at the breakfast table. That safety enables siblings to practice behaving in ways they aren't able to with other people. Sibling spats help kids learn what they think is right; to negotiate and compromise; and to tolerate the negative emotions that crop up in life. "This is the bright side," Kramer says. "Obviously, there's an unpleasant side as well."
She adds, "Some evidence suggests that when kids have good relationships with siblings, they're more likely to develop good relationships with their peers." But we're still learning about that, she says.
* They may help raise our vulnerability to mental-health issues. Sibling strife during mid-childhood is a predictor of increased anxiety, depression, and delinquent behavior in adolescence, the University of Denver's Clare Stocker has reported. What's more, a 2007 study in the American Journal of Psychiatry found that men who had poor relationships with even one sibling before age 20 were significantly more likely to become depressed by age 50 than men who got along with their siblings, independent of their relationship with their parents. This effect may not hold true for women, who weren't included in the study, notes Robert Waldinger, an associate professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and leader of the research.
Next: Siblings May Boost Our Love Lives
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Recent Comments
NancyArtLover 02:47:29 PM Oct 05 2009
I am the middle of three. Older brother made a career out of physically and verbally abusing me since I was born. Younger spoiled brat of a sister, Little Miss Handout, never tied the cord with mommie dearest, both have Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I excommunicated hateful brother 20 years ago, best thing I ever did. Mommie Dearest and Little Miss Handout are out of my life too. It affected me terribly, but I've overcome it for the most part. You can't shed every scar, but you can learn to walk well despite them. Sibling relationships are just as important as parental relationships. It teaches us about getting along, conflict resolution, respectful behavior, and simple love and support for one another. They are, after all, the first people we learn from who are our own age group and if there's dysfunction and animosity, you'll have a harder time finding healthy relationships. It is possible, however, to find good people. You have to become self-aware and look for healthy, loving
Joycepeerlane 08:54:12 PM Aug 29 2009
This is a tough issue for me. My sister (middle) died in January. She was a very bitter person, and cutting and difficult to be around. I am sad to say I do not miss her. I miss the relationship we might have had. I made many attempts to reach out to her over the years. I think a lot of it is because my mother favored me and made no attempt to cover it up. Not my choice. It always made me feel guilty. The old deal of only being able to control how you yourself feel about things applies. She was also jealous of our older sister, and our close relationship. The bitterness devoured her and I am sure shortened her life. God bless and keep her, and I hope she can see from wherever she is that we all loved her in spite of everything.
Ibsunny1 12:54:11 PM Aug 26 2009
My sister and I are 70/71. We've always been very very close. My best friend.We had a falling out in May this year and I bawled my head off for most of twomonths. I am feeling now, even though we talk and even though we send sweetcards back and forth . . . the words are said . . can't take them back . . . theywill forever be in my head . . . and I don't feel the same. I miss my sister . . shesaid things that hurt my soul . . .it will never be the same
Ubniceforsure 12:04:06 PM Aug 26 2009
Why weren't women included in the study? Like in so many studies! Oh, that's right it's done by a male domination profession that thinks women are good for only one thing!
Ubniceforsure 12:00:50 PM Aug 26 2009
Why didn't they include women in the study? Oh that's right, it's a male dominated profession, where they think women are only good for one thing. A-holes!
BabuRob 11:14:05 AM Aug 26 2009
my sister used to tease me so bad i threw her through the kitchen closet door
TheMarvelArtist 10:09:38 AM Aug 26 2009
Dang people I could cry right now, I'm sorry that almost all of you were abused by your older siblings...It just makes me wish that you had older siblings like me...I never fight verbal or physical with my siblings and plan on keeping it that way I'm 20 right now and I have a 15yr old brother, 10 yr old brother and a 5 yr old sister : /
pagerina2000 10:02:30 AM Aug 26 2009
I am 21 years old and my brother is 27 years old. When we were growing up, we would have arguments and sometimes we would even fist-fight, but now we get along great. We still joke around with each other, and if he takes my cell phone I'll kind of fight him for it, but now he really is one of my best friends. I wouldn't trade him for the world!
Rgt010101 08:30:45 AM Aug 26 2009
I was abused by my brother until I was almost 40 years only. He abused my mother and as well. That was the generation when parents were ashamed they had children they could not handle. My brother tried to run me over with his truck when I was 19. I should have pressed charges. He would have been charged with attempted murder. However, my father begged me not too. I honored my fathers request. I regret that decision everyday. The abuse never stopped until I moved to another area of town into a gated community with a two 24/7 guards gates. It is very expensive staying safe. I won't be able to afford it all my life. I am a single parent. I have also moved my mother in with me when I first moved. All my family is safe now at a very expensive price. I have a very bad case of PTSD. I had forgotten all of the abuse until I had a tragic car accident in 1995. Now I am disabled and do not function as I once did due to my abuse by my brother as a child. He is 8 years older than me. I guess he did
TORISTAR09 06:00:18 AM Aug 26 2009
i have 3 sisters and i belive since im still in my early teenage years that this is true cause even though me and my sisters fight and im talking about like verbaly and physicaly that it will effect on our lives till we r really old sometimes i cant help but to think when i get old will i b in touch wit my sisters or how old we will al be siting watching our kids play while remebering all the bad times and the good times we had. p.s sometimes when u fight wit a sibling it makes ur realationship closer when ur older
