Childless by Choice
Americans Who Choose Not to Have Children
Courtesy of Andie East
When most people think of the changing American family, they probably consider the rise in divorce and single-parent families. But according to author Laura Scott, another trend among American couples is to have no children at all -- and not because they can't have them, but because they don't want them. She outlines this phenomenon in her new book, "Two is Enough: A Couple's Guide to Living Childless By Choice."
The book is partly based on her own experience. Scott, pictured above with her husband Robert, has been married for 21 years and has no children, but despite inaccurate media claims, not having kids isn't the highlight of her life, but as she explained in a blog post responding to the Daily Mail's false reporting, she does believe "women who remain childless often experience a higher level of marital satisfaction than do mothers of small children." In addition to thinking about her own reasons to not raise a family with her husband, she conducted three years of research, including an online survey of 171 self-described "childless by choice" people and in-depth interviews with 30 couples. While she interviewed some singles, her focus was on couples because, traditionally, people expect couples to have kids.
But not every household hears the pitter-patter of little feet. In 1976, 10 percent of American women between the ages of 40 and 44 had no children (by choice or by circumstance). By 2006, that number had doubled to one in five, or 20 percent. While clearer studies haven't been done to separate the reasons of choice versus circumstance, Scott says "to assume that all couples will be parents is unrealistic." Here are the realities she did find while writing her book.
AOL Health: How did you come up with the concept for this book?
Laura Scott: I was working as a writer and journalist and screenwriter, and came across "The Childless Revolution," by Madelyn Cain. It was mostly about women who were childless by circumstance. I realized that there wasn't a lot out there that had been written about people who intentionally remained childless. [For me] that maternal instinct never kicked in. And I thought, are we right to believe that all women will have this instinct to have a child?
AOL Health: How did you and your husband agree not to have kids together?
Scott: We as a couple would check in with each other periodically. Five or six years would go by and we would say, "Do we want children?" The answer was always "no." It is a process. It's important for couples to have the conversation early, before marriage. If you don't agree on childlessness, it can be a deal-breaker.
AOL Health: Do you think your partnership is stronger without kids?
Scott: Yes, I think it is in some respects, because we have more time to focus on each other. Women [like me and those interviewed] really appreciate the fact that they have quality time with their husbands and they can build a really strong relationship because frankly that's all [couples like us] have. We're a family of two.
AOL Health: What are some major myths associated with childless couples?
Scott: I think the biggest misconception is that those who are childless by choice don't like children. I interviewed a lot of teachers and people who had jobs that happily put them into daily contact with children, so I don't think that holds water at all. Another myth is that we're going to regret the decision we've made. You make this choice and you live with it, and you build your life around it. I [also] think there is an assumption that people make this choice because they had a terrible childhood. A lot of people said, "I had a great childhood."
AOL Health: Do economics play a factor in this trend?
Scott: We're dealing with a lot of issues as a society right now [like the recession] that make remaining child-free a legitimate option for couples. I think economics plays a huge part because it causes us to postpone childbearing. The longer you postpone, the fertility window for women shrinks. Things fill the gap, like jobs and leisure interests and then ... you might get comfortable in a family of two. One of the biggest motives [in my researching] for both men and women was that they love their life the way it is, and having children won't enhance it.
AOL Health: How much do you think the media plays into the myth that every couple wants kids?
Scott: A lot of celebrities give us the impression that life was miserable before kids. In every magazine we see "bump" alerts, celebrities being photographed in their seventh or eighth month [of pregnancy] or with toddlers in hand. There are some women [who read these magazines] who are childless by circumstance in their 30s and 40s, and want to believe that this option is still open to them, even though they've postponed childhood for 20 years. We didn't see a lot of new moms at age 40 years ago. And the fact that some of these women are doing it as singletons -- that's news. But those that remain childless by choice don't make the news. I like Rachael Ray. She's one of the childless role models we have.
AOL Health: What's one drawback to being childless by choice?
Scott: When you get into your 30s and you're the only person in your peer group who doesn't have a child, it can be socially isolating. [Potential friends] are focused on their children and their social circle is comprised of other parents.
AOL Health: Were your parents freaked out by the prospect of no grandkids?
Scott: I told my mother when I was 15 that I didn't want to have children. She thought maybe I would change my mind. Luckily my parents never really pressured us. That wasn't true of many couples I interviewed.
AOL Health: What have you done that you don't think you would have if you were a mom?
Scott: Writing this book is one thing. [My husband and I] do off-the-beaten-path traveling, which requires physical stamina and some risk to your health. I don't know if I would do that if I was 65 [after raising kids and retiring]. We've also taken huge financial risks as entrepreneurs. We invested in the company my husband works with now and we mortgaged our home to the hilt knowing that if we were to lose it all, it would be just him and me living in a trailer park, and we wouldn't be sacrificing our kids' college funds.
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Recent Comments
MauTheEternalCat 08:52:16 PM Nov 16 2009
For those of you who think not having children is selfish...think of it this way. There's millions of children in the world right now who need homes. So would it be more selfish to bring MORE children into the world knowing this, when the time and money could go towards the children that actually NEED it?It isn't JUST about "You You You" some of us are thinking about things like overpopulation as well, the more children means the more resources go away from people who need it. Do you think it's fair to an orphan who's starving right now that you are popping out MORE kids when you could give that orphan food and shelter by donating that extra money you'd have if you didn't have kids?So what if it's not natural. Medicine isn't natural either, but that doesn't make it a bad thing does it?
JenniferKizzy 08:20:48 PM Nov 02 2009
im a young black woman with no children i modle'd after my olde'r cousin who like me has none as well im not appluadin'g the author just statin'g a myriad of fact's our prison's are clogge'd with young black men and women who's mom's had them at the highschool age and celebrate'd their bad behavior i grew up differentl'y in my dad's side of the family you wait too have kid's he had two me and my brother and that is all he wante'd
JenniferKizzy 08:17:16 PM Nov 02 2009
im thirty year's old the majority of young women in my family have kid's one or more i am intelligent and fun and i plan too be when i'm olde'r so what i have no kid's whaw poor me im the loser here i have no patience nor do i have the finance's require'd too support them so all in all i'n happy and i get too keep my body so their i am selfish who cares
Rsatteson 11:43:16 AM Nov 01 2009
I love my kids, I love my grand kids. I don't care whether you have kids of your own or not. Don't use the excuse that kids cause trouble and drama as good reasons to not have them. I wanted kids, I have kids. You don't want kids, don't have them. You do not have to explain your reason anymore than I do. Just don't use them blame game to legitimize your decision.
Shawndeler 12:15:07 AM Oct 29 2009
TrevorRotondo wrote: My life would be empty and pointless without them. My response: That's quite a burden to place upon your childrens' shoulders. It seems selfish of you that they have to live with knowing they are the only reason you breathe.... how confining for them.
Honestforum 11:53:39 PM Oct 28 2009
I am 35 years old and have been married for 15 years..and yes, I am childless by choice. I have never felt the need to have children. Yes, I guess it is somewhat selfish, but what is the big deal? It is my life. If I want to travel at will and drive a fancy German 2 seater, it is my choice. I read some of the comments posted and you would think that couples who choose not to have children are committing a crime.
TrevorRotondo 08:38:44 PM Oct 28 2009
I believe that healthy financially stable couples who don't have children (by choice) are down right SELFISH. I don't care what you try to argue. Humans are pre-wired to pro-create. For a person to not feel the need or desire to do so is just strange and not natural. The only reason I can think of is selfishness, period. Examples: you don't want the focus off your marital relationship, you don't want to spend your finances, you don't want to impair your social life, you don't want to limit your traveling, or you just don't want the responsibility. YOU YOU YOU.People like that are sad individuals who will never know the true meaning of unconditional love. The lives of these individuals are empty and they live on oblivious to that fact..... I have two of my own and although they take a lot of work and patience... nothing is worth more than them. My life would be empty and pointless without them.
MauTheEternalCat 08:22:42 PM Oct 25 2009
peaceandquiet, you couldn't be more wrong. The choice to not have children doesn't mean you're a selfish person. You can be a loving, giving person without needing to have children. It just means that people without children can find personal fulfillment without NEEDing to have children in their lives. And that doesn't mean they can't be loving and giving either...childless couples can stil give to each other and their families and friends. Some choose to have pets. A good pet owner isn't going to be selfish. Even so, some people are just content and happy the way they are without children and don't feel a need to change it.As for people who feel they need children to have fulfillment in their lives...they're obviously insecure about themselves. Regardless of whether you choose to have children or not...you have to make sure you're ready because it would be SELFISH to give life to a child when you can't afford to give it a good life, or if you know you just aren't cut out for the job.
PatriciafromCO 11:09:04 AM Oct 25 2009
I love it,, the idea someone who chooses to not have kids is based on they are the people who shouldn't have kids. How silly, to imply a childless couple would make the worse parent.. The prisons are over flowing/ busting at the seams people of the most horrific criminal acts and can tell you 100% certain it's not the children or children childrens of these childress couples that are in those prisons. I find it the opposite that a childless couple would make a good parent because how serious they consider the responsibility of a child.
Shawndeler 10:07:51 AM Oct 25 2009
As a married woman who is child-free, do I feel the need to have children just to meet much of society's dated expectations? Absolutely not. So what do I do with all my "free" time? In a 48 hour period I will have tended to the needs of a 14 y.o. schizophrenic girl who is struggling with her parent's divorce, I will have volunteered for the police dept's. Halloween Festival focused on keeping kids out of gangs and will have taken my mentee and her sister, who are both in foster care, to a group picnic. It seems likely I would be too busy to be raising my own children given I am helping do the job for parent's who have dropped the ball! Enough of this B.S. that child-free couples are lazy, immature and self-absorbed!!
