The Friend Affair

The New Friend

The affair with a new friend, someone either the husband or his wife has recently met and befriended:

When Latoya moved into the apartment across from us, I thought "Great!" That was then, this is now.

Now means just six months later, and in that short time, our lives have turned upside-down. But on that Saturday when Latoya and her sister moved into the apartment right across from us, Tim and I were thrilled. It seemed like everyone around us could have been our grandparents, very nice people, but not the kind to share a beer with. So naturally Tim and I and Toya, which her friends call her, became buddies -- her sister was at her boyfriend's 90 percent of the time. Toya was always at our place, or we'd be at her place, kind of like the TV show "Friends," which we all watched together. Must have been a couple of months ago, on a weekend, I asked Tim, who'd been acting kind of quiet, even moody, around me to help with the laundry, and he says he's too busy or something, and we get into a little argument and he snaps at me, "Toya, laundry can wait!" He doesn't even hear himself, but I'm thinking, "Something's wrong here." A little later that morning, I tell Tim I'm going shopping and getting a pedicure and will be back in two or three hours. I'm in the car not even ten minutes later when I realize I left my wallet at home, so back I go, and as I'm walking up the stairs I see Tim and Toya hugging in her doorway and then disappear into her apartment. Since then I've moved out. Tim's begging for me to take him back, and like I said, our world's been turned upside down.-- Bobbie R.

The Old Friend

The affair with an old girlfriend or boyfriend, someone who has resurfaced first as a resurrected friend but then becomes a lover:

I'm not a guy who gets jealous easily. So when Maryanne's ex-boyfriend contacted her, it was fine with me. Not too much is fine now.

I'm more than jealous -- I'm furious. But who do I blame? The Internet? Myself for not seeing what was happening? Maryanne, yes, sure. And more than anyone, Doug, her ex. But before all the blame and all the hurt there was the short, innocent-looking message posted on one of Maryanne's social networking sites she belongs to, this one for "teachiners" -- Maryanne's a teaching administrator.

"Are you Maryanne so-and-so who lived in San Diego 10 years ago?" Long story short -- her ex, Doug, whom she lived with before we met, now lives here in Houston with his new wife. We're all adults, so we arrange dinner, and it's all fine -- like I said, I'm not the jealous type, and Maryanne and Doug were an item years and years ago. And to tell you the truth, I liked both Doug and Allie. So we'd see them every so often, but I noticed that after each dinner or movie or whatever, Maryanne would make some cutting comment about Allie, like, "Can you believe the outfit she wore?" or, "What a stupid answer" to some question I asked Allie -- never a compliment, always a little dig. Looking back I can see this was when Maryanne started working late, usually on Mondays or Wednesdays and sometimes both. Plus, she started going to the office on Saturdays, saying that with so many new teachers there was a lot more work. With all the work, she was always too tired for sex, or at least that's what she told me. But I was still living in the dark, sensing something wrong but not putting it all together. Then comes the call to me from Allie, who wants to know what I know about Doug and Maryanne seeing each other. It gets worse. Allie had hired a private investigator and wants to show me photos of them kissing in a parking lot and other photos of Maryanne and Doug entering a motel room. Talk about a blast from the past.-- Martin G.

The Phantom Friend

The affair with a phantom friend, so named because he speaks of this new friend with growing frequency; she's like someone he works with but has become a confidante, perhaps a lunch mate or drinking buddy after work:

Work and work -- those were Randall's two passions. Now it looks like he has gotten himself a third.

And it's called Melissa. Melissa, as in the woman who was his lover, mistress, concubine, whatever, for at least six months or more -- I still can't get the straight story from him other than he says it's over, over, over. And now that I know, I can look back and see that the signs were pretty much there from the beginning. Like when Randall started mentioning the great new public relations firm and its hotshot account executive, who his company hired. Because he's always talking about work, it sometimes goes in one ear for me and out the other, but I remember this one because he's usually not that overtly complimentary about people he works with. And it seemed like a few times a week she'd end up in his stories about work -- Melissa suggested this or did that, all of which, according to Randall, was terrific, smart, great. I knew they'd have lunch together, business lunches; Randall wouldn't hide that, and drinks too, as she worked for the public relations firm they use. So I didn't think much of this, after all, he's mentioned it to me, not like his friendship with her was a big secret, and let's be honest here, Randall's a 55-year-old corporate executive, and this Melissa, from what I could tell, was a late-twenty-something lower-level PR person, so what's to get suspicious about? Even when Randall and I were at a restaurant, and he says out of nowhere that waitress over there looks a lot like Melissa, same hair and eyes -- this from someone who normally wouldn't notice if our waiter was taking our order wearing a tutu -- I'm really not suspicious. Then with the annual industry conference coming up over in Chicago, Randall says he's going to leave two days early for it this year and stay an extra day. "Melissa and her team and I need to make presentations to the press," he says; still sounds like nothing to worry about. But when he comes home from the conference, he announces that he wants a trial separation. Three months later, though it feels like three decades, we're trying to work it out, which is going to be the biggest job he's ever had.-- Lauren A.

Excerpted from, Warning Signs: How to Know if Your Partner Is Cheating -- and What to Do About It by Anthony DeLorenzo and Dawn Ricci, with Ken Baron and Frank Gunzburg, Ph.D.

Previous: Signs Your Partner Is Cheating With a Friend

Print this article.