Questions to Ask Before Having An Affair

Before the Affair

By Vicki Salemi

Thinking of having an affair? An affair has emotional and financial consequences that will impact both you and your loved ones. Here, 15 questions to ask yourself before you stray.

Why am I even thinking about this?

"If more people asked themselves this question there would be fewer affairs," says AOL Coach Michele Weiner Davis, director of the Divorce Busting Center and author of 'Divorce Busting: A Step-by-Step Approach to Making Your Marriage Loving Again.' If you're thinking about an affair there's an underlying issue, such as a void in your marriage or an urge for risk-taking. "People often say they fell out of love, as if it just happens." That's rarely the case.

Am I entitled to an affair?

People feel entitled to a fulfilling sexual relationship. And if it's not with their spouse, they may try to find it outside of the marriage bed. Having an affair, says Weiner Davis, is not the solution to finding a loving, sexually-fulfilling relationship.

Is this affair really about my lover, my marriage or me?

All of the above. If you're not feeling appreciated or loved at home, or if you don't have the necessary skills to make changes in your relationship, breaching your marriage may be one of the results. While the specific reasons are individual, essentially they're about shortcomings in your marriage, yourself and, yes, your lover.

Am I in love with the other person?

"So often this question is answered by the groin, not the brain," explains Weiner Davis. When you're in the throes of infatuation, you're not capable of rational decision-making. "When they say love is blind, there's a reason." When it comes to infidelity, deaf and dumb, too.

What are the pros besides the obvious: having sex with someone other than my spouse?

Most pros are illusory, according to Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., psychotherapist and author of 'Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage.' Most pros are a mirage, she says, and simply part of the initial appeal of an affair. Believing, for example, 'He's the only one that listens to me' or 'There's nothing we can't laugh about,' will likely fade as the newness wears off.

Am I prepared to get caught?

The very essence of an affair is ill-conceived; no one ever truly prepares to get caught (unless they want to), says Bonnie Eaker Weil, Ph.D., relationship expert and author of 'Adultery, the Forgivable Sin.' "You're not thinking clearly." Most adulterers are in a haze of magical thinking where consequences, humiliation and shame come after the fact.

Am I willing to risk my marriage?

Most people use an affair as a wake-up call, says Eaker Weil. Some may actually want to get caught as a cry for help, but they're not thinking about the long-term effects of risking their marriage. Adds Weiner Davis: "They may not realize they're risking their marriage when they make all the small decisions that lead down a slippery slope. Affairs just don't happen."

How will my spouse feel?

"It's so important to consider your partner's feelings," says Tessina. "Affairs are usually done out of resentment, disappointment or boredom, and it's a very selfish thing. Thinking seriously about how your partner would feel or does feel is the first step to repairing your marriage -- which will have much longer lasting benefits than an affair."

Am I prepared to live with a heavy conscience?

Most people aren't prepared to live with the guilt. "People either bastardize or glamorize an affair. They're not prepared for the shame and blame," says Eaker Weil. Plus, even if their spouse can forgive them, the road to self-acceptance may sometimes be a rougher path. In addition to the spouse, they've involved another person -- a lover -- who has their own emotions and attachments to the relationship.