Affairs to Remember
Would Cheating Ruin Your Marriage?
By Caroline Howard
An affair doesn't have to mean your marriage will end up like this
Read on below.
Celebrity Affairs
Fiery-tempered celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay has been accused of having a seven-year affair with 'professional mistress' Sarah Symonds. The accusations are all the more shocking considering Ramsay's depiction of himself as a devoted family man. He was voted the United Kingdom's Celebrity Father of the Year in 2006, while his family won the title of Celebrity Family of the Year in 2007. Ramsay's wife, Tana, is still standing by her man, but whether the 12-year marriage will survive is still questionable.
Here's certainly a case of truth being stranger than fiction, Californication-style. After 11 years as a couple, actors David Duchovny and Tea Leoni formally announced their split, with talk of infidelity on both sides. Duchovny left a rehab clinic for sex addiction soon to find his marriage over and his 28-year-old tennis coach "not deny" an affair with him. Oh, that's the same week that Billy Bob Thornton found himself denying he is romancing Leoni.
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Why did he do it? That's Rielle easy. In John Edwards own words: "I started to believe that I was special and became increasingly egocentric and narcissistic." As for Elizabeth, why did she do it (stay with him)? Her close friends say it was "because she is dying and worried about their two young children," according to the New York Daily News.
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Reports described Morgan Freeman as being in "good spirits" after being injured in a car accident this August. That's a relief, because just days later the divorce to his wife of 24 years, Myrna Colley-Lee, was announced. Bad timing? Maybe not. The couple had been separated and he was traveling with a woman not his wife in the accident. "Myrna was terribly upset when she heard Morgan had become intimate with a woman who had been her friend," a source babbled to the National Enquirer.
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What' the least inconspicuous way to have an affair? Well, it's not this. He (Balthazar Getty) is the billionaire son of Jean Paul Getty III, star of "Brothers & Sisters" and a married dad to four. She (Sienna Miller) is an actress credited with many high-profile romances, including Jude Law, Daniel Craig and, most recently, Rhys Ifans. "My life is privileged," Miller told London's The Times. "And it's exactly where I'm supposed to be."
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"As far as Mrs. Alex Rodriguez is concerned, this marriage is over," writes the NY Post's Cindy Adams, who spoke with Cynthia Rodriguez. "Yes, she still loves him. But, no, she's not weak." Strike one: A-Rod's front page affair with another woman. Strike two: His cavorting with strippers. Strike three: "An affair of the heart" with Madonna. And you're out!
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Rumors are flying that Jodie Foster has dropped her longtime girlfriend, film producer Cydney Bernard, for another. That would be screenwriter Cindy Mort, according to the National Enquirer. This, just months after Foster finally paid public tribute to Bernard at a Los Angeles film gala in December 2007: "My beautiful Cydney, who sticks with me through all the rotten and the bliss."
While official word on the Shania Twain-Robert "Mutt" Lange split is that the couple was "literally just growing apart," People magazine reports that the recluse producer was having an affair with the couple's longtime secretary and estate manager, Marie-Anne Thiébaud.
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"The story of us breaking up over infidelity has been an annoying one," Ethan Hawke told Details magazine of his split with Uma Thurman. "If our problems were that simple, we'd still be together. Uma and I were having troubles long before the press got ahold of us." Hawke is now expecting a baby with the former nanny, Ryan Shawhughes.
George De Sota, Getty Images
"I'm not a perfect person, but I'm not guilty of a lot of the things I have been accused of," Ryan Phillippe told the press after rumors surfaced of an affair with his co-star, Australian actress Abbie Cornish. Reese Witherspoon filed for divorce in 2006 and is reportedly engaged to Jake Gyllenhaal.
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The tawdriness of it all seemed to come straight out of the pages of the National Enquirer. And it did.
Some say the signs -- ego, need for adulation and narcissistic behavior -- were long apparent. Even John Edwards himself admitted that thinking he was "special" led him "to believe you can do whatever you want, you're invincible and there'll be no consequences." Still, Elizabeth Edwards was cancer-stricken and the "other woman," Rielle Hunter, once "intrigued and appalled" Jay McInerney so much so that he wrote a short novel about her and her fast friends.
The question on everyone's mind: Huh? What was he thinking?
It's déjà vu all over again: A-Rod and Cynthia, Morgan Freeman and his wife of 24 years Myrna Colley-Lee, "Brothers and Sisters" star Balthazar Getty public and topless trysts with Sienna Miller. And then there's Shania Twain and Robert "Mutt" Lange. Ethan Hawke and Uma Thurman. Ryan Phillippe and Reese Witherspoon. Marilyn Manson and Dita Von Teese, for Pete's sake. These affairs fly in the face of common wisdom regarding infidelity, who does it, with whom and why.
Generally, when an affair comes to light, people tend to think that it's all about "the sex." Better sex, new sex, adventurous sex, and, in many cases, any sex at all. But, as Cynthia's attorney, Earle Lilly, told People magazine, Rodriguez's relationship with Madonna was "an affair of the heart" -- not "sexual infidelity." Even when sex is involved, as in the Edwards-Hunter affair, it seems to be more about entitlement than passion.
This affirms what a growing number of relationship experts are saying about love, sex and infidelity. The motivation behind an affair (cerebral, emotional or physical) varies right along with the chances whether or not the marriage can survive.
Undoubtedly, celebrities and high-powered successes such as former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer and former General Electric CEO Jack Welch, and countless regular Joes and Janes, do cheat for the thrill. But it's a little more complicated. According to a recent "Lust, Love & Loyalty Survey," the primary reasons marrieds stray are far more impalpable: feelings of discontent and disappointment. Men cheat because they are dissatisfied (sexually or otherwise) with their relationship, while the most common reason women cheat is they feel emotionally deprived. Simply, the affair fills a void.
Not all affairs are created equal. In fact, Ofer Zur, PhD, a psychologist from Sonoma, CA, has outlined a dozen reasons why people cheat, none of which are just about "the sex." His laundry list includes conflict or intimacy avoidance, pay-back, mid-life, empty-nest or other types of individual crisis -- not to mention plain curiosity. "Affairs are often about self-expression and not always a reflection of a bad marriage."
"An affair doesn't have to be a death knell to a relationship," says Scott Haltzman, MD, a clinical professor at Brown University and author of ''The Secrets of Happy Married Men.' "It can be a wake up call instead." In fact, when both partners are committed to the relationship and to changing the dynamics that may have supported the affair, the marriage may come out stronger, says Zur.
The ones that take the brunt of the repair are the cheaters. There's no question that re-building the marriage initiates with them: Immediately breaking off the affair, profuse apologizing and rigorous self-examination about their betrayal in the first place. Then comes the work.
Most people aren't prepared to live with the guilt. "People either bastardize or glamorize an affair. They're not prepared for the shame and blame," says Bonnie Eaker Weil, Ph.D., relationship expert and author of 'Adultery, the Forgivable Sin.' The road to self-acceptance may sometimes be a rougher path, even if the betrayed spouse can forgive them.
A marriage can survive infidelity, but it takes two. Forgiveness goes a long way; at some point, both partners must move beyond the affair or it will destroy any chance of salvaging the marriage and a shot at happily-ever-after, Hollywood-style. After all, enduring celebrity relationships don't make headlines.
Recent Comments
Oliviaethompson 09:38:37 PM Mar 14 2009
everyone cheats...men and women. and if you haven't cheated, you have at least thought about it. i think it is worth forgiving if you really love the person to begin with. everyone make such a big deal about it, but we forget that before we are people with feelings, we are Human Beings. the urge to have sex with others, whether married or single originally comes form out animal intincts. we're all just human and some are not mentally or genetically engineered to monogomous.
Dirockson 02:57:30 AM Feb 08 2009
No but your freind should be a friend and it shouldn't be more than that.toranderson said, Yes you can but sometimes friendships are hard to keepfeelings out of it that leed into more than friendship.Guy girl freiendships are complicated. Sometimes you are atracted to the person who is your friend other times there is no attraction it's like being with a brother.I think it depands on how you became friends frist... no it's not illeagal but that friendship could sparked into something else...
Dirockson 05:54:09 PM Jan 13 2009
I have been married 18 years and we have our ups and downs and beenthrough... if you want to hold on and be steady in a marriage it takesbeing honest and sometimes you fight but you try to forgive and make upBotom line you have to trust eachother...without it your headed for a breakup... but holding on in hard and difficult times is often hard...a marriage takes work on both partries part... not sure if anyone 's marriagecan survive an affair...
Dirockson 09:43:38 AM Jan 13 2009
if a women doesn't take a man who is unfithful back...and who she has caught is she a victim of his need to seek something elseoutside their marriage.... Today divorce could be done as no fault but we rather find blame and affeixa dollor tag..
Dirockson 09:33:30 AM Jan 13 2009
If a women is looking for an affair to meet her emotioial needs most likelyit will not... Women might think it will and that's were they make the mistakeSeldom will a lover outside of marriage give her everything she needs...even if he is more attentive... he is still out for himself... Why women loose..all the way around and why women then try other ways of getting needs met.Is here in the US we are so prudish.. the french take lovers all the time... and if we had a different veiw on Monogmay people wouldn't get hurt..And a Man wouldn't be suing his x wife for a kidney that he gave her beforethey were getting a divorce... he want's compensatinon cause she had anaffair I say he doesn't get it he gave the wife the Kidney long before she filedfor divorce so it is her's.... his pride is hurt and that is all...He feels like she disrespeted him... how did he treat her while they were married we don't know.
Dirockson 09:19:08 AM Jan 13 2009
People do go to marriage couseling and work it out or they end itand get a divorce...If you are grown up enough to get past ego's you can fix a relationship Sometimes that depends ... how much Jealousy and Betrayal...or how much pain has a person been in inside a marriage...Do you think women who are battered stay in or they find outside affairs to find a way out...Mind you there is emotional abuse...treats of violence... you cant say a badmarrige warrents a women's fedelity can you.?
Dirockson 09:06:05 AM Jan 13 2009
By the way My husband changed dipers , did laundry and worked too okthis was when he was a much younger man...He does cook and sometimes cleans...nowas time went on he has issues with doing homework with the boysmost likely cause face it our kids our way ahead of us in school..He's not a supper romantic...and we are sometimes so toatally opposities..and I once thought he was dating a 26 year old...also our marriagehas some things because of our kids haveing special needs form himhaving ADHD and possible aspergers's not diagnoised...which for us theyare mild and doing ok ... as partners we know it is taking it's toll... I having thepaticiants of a saint...and hold three degrees In Psychology, Sociology and Antroplogy... but stayed home at my husbands wishes to raise my children.yes the person who said the Eskimos didn't havea word for jealousy until the white man changed their lives... they sharedtheir wives was absolutly right... I had forgotten that but it was the societythey had was
Dirockson 08:01:06 AM Jan 13 2009
Men cheet if there women don't know how to satisfy them... been married18 years and known my husband since college and If you give yourman whats he needs he won't go elsewhere for it...Problem is some women are prudes...and sex needs to be fresh...and satisfyingfor both partners but ladies must be able to know what your man wantsand keep it sexy and yes make sure you shave ... and the laundraie nice or kinckymy man has never strayed....but try to let him also know what you want... so it canstill be the way it should...
Brucewayne5I6 03:00:10 PM Dec 03 2008
...cheating happens when honesty is absent in the relationship, obviously, however; im not talking honest as telling the truth. Im talking honest as far as not letting your significant other know what you want or how you want it..SEX! If your with some1 and you cant let that person know what you want and how you want it, then, your really doing nothing but kidding yourself and depriving yourself inner- most satisfaction of gaining a smile after that non-gym workout; and as you lay in that "wet-spot" time and time again...just to think of how it should have gone down and what he/she could have did betta! Unsatisfied once again....DAM!
ATONYCLIFTON 03:18:42 AM Dec 01 2008
people cheat for one reason and one reason only....sex...that's it, it all comes down to only that...anybody who beleives anything otherwise is really just making excuses for being a tramp...you can have the best marraige in the world, no problems at all, and still just cheat , cheat , cheat...and if someone would actually stay in a relationship after being cheated on they have to be absolutely insane...even if you are a wimp and forgive them you'll still never be able to forget it....and why torture yourself for the rest of your life and not be able to trust her to go get milk from the store?in your heart you know you'll never trust them again no matter what. leave the person and move on to someone who WON'T cheat..always remember if someone makes excuses for cheating like. ..."i'm not getting it at home", "you're always working", or (this is my favorite), "you're not there for me emotionally", they are full of it....
