Gay After 40

Photo: Harry Langdon

by Ashley Neglia

At 40, comedian and author Carol Leifer decided to spice up her life by having a fling with a woman. But the 10-year divorcee never thought that her first lesbian venture would evolve into a 13-year partnership. Now, she shares a home and has a child with her partner, Lori. In her new book, "When You Lie About Your Age, The Terrorists Win," Leifer talks about life after 40, the moment she discovered she might be gay and how her life has changed for the better.

AOL Health: When you were younger, were there any indications that you might be gay?

Carol Leifer: I entitled the chapter "Surprise" because it was like my life threw me a surprise party. I really didn’t have any clue, and in fact, had very good physical relationships with men. It was around when I turned 40 that I had this really intense desire to have an affair with a woman. It just kind of overtook me, kind of like when you feel like you're on a mission.

When [Lori and I] first got together, I really thought this would be a nice fling. It was a surprise to me that I was falling in love, but who would know this many years later that the first woman I would have a relationship with would wind up being my long-term partner who I'm about to celebrate a 13-year anniversary with.

AOL Health: You write about being immediately enamored with Lori the first time you met her. Was confronting those feelings alarming or difficult?

Leifer: It was very exciting when we first met because it did feel a little illicit since I'd never had a gay relationship before. There's something very exciting about that. I think it did take a very different turn when I found myself and she found herself falling in love because then it became a much more serious matter to deal with. This [was] supposed to be my fun fling, not the thing that redefined my sexuality and redefined almost everything about me. So I think that was a tough transition and took some work, too. For my partner, Lori, she had come out after college. I know that understandably part of her mindset was, "Boy, I would love to be with someone who's figured this all out."

AOL Health: How long did it take you to realize you were gay? Did you think you could be bisexual?

Leifer: I wasn't sure other than when I got together with Lori. Physically it felt right and emotionally it was on a very different level than the other relationships I had with men. It felt much more intimate and deeper. So I knew that something really interesting was happening to me.

AOL Health: After you figured out what it was you wanted, how long did it take for you to start coming out to your friends and family?

Leifer: I came out to my friends immediately. To most of them, my coming out was like, "Oh can you believe it? I'm having an affair with this woman." And they went along with me on that ride two or three months later when it was, "Holy crap. I'm falling in love."

Living in Los Angeles where so many of my friends are gay, I had no fear about coming out to my friends. The big kahuna was telling my parents. That was a big step. I didn't do that until about nine months after Lori and I first got together. You also want to be sure about it. You don't want to pull an Anne Heche. I really wanted to make sure that this is someone I'm really serious with and this is a big life change for me. This is the direction I'm going. So that was definitely the more difficult part because to my friends it was no biggie. I'm sure people who are in different parts of the country coming out to friends is a very different story. I kind of view L.A. as one of the gayest capitals of the word, so it really was a no biggie.

AOL Health: What was the hardest part about coming out?

Leifer: The hardest part was coming out to my parents -- to my middle-class, New York, Jewish parents. My parents were definitely disappointed that my marriage didn't work, but I think they always pictured me with a husband ultimately and having a child. When I told my parents I thought they were disappointed, but they were so happy that my partner Lori was Jewish, and my ex-husband wasn't. They were like, "Let's have some Manichewitz and toast." It's funny the things that wind up being real priorities.

They were amazing about it. I thought they would be very emotional and I would be the strong one, and the opposite happened. I was really a basket case, and they were very calm and supportive and completely okay with it. I was upset, and my mother said, "It's nothing to be upset about. Falling in love is a gift from God." And I couldn’t have had more supportive parents that way. I felt like they would be disappointed in me, but it turned out to be completely the opposite. They were supportive and loving and completely happy about my decision.

My dad has passed, but they always loved Lori and were very happy that I found a Jewish girl. I'm sure it's changing, but coming out to parents is going to be difficult because of their expectations and what you think their expectations are. My parents are exceptional people. If they had disappointments about it or trouble with it I think they dealt with it privately and only showed a supportive and sunny face to me.

AOL Health: Did you ever talk to your ex-husband about it?

Leifer: No. We are friendly, but we're not friends. I have found that's kind of been the biggest misconception people have. You know, tell your ex-husband you're gay day. We have a big circle of friends around us, so I knew that he would hear about it. And what I heard back from people was that he was happy for me. We had been divorced for almost 10 years already, so I didn’t really feel like I needed to ring him up.

AOL Health: So learning that you were gay had nothing to do with the divorce?

Leifer: No. I got married at 25, and in retrospect, it was too young to get married. We had a fun, crazy relationship, but it certainly was something that maybe wasn't destined for the marriage route.

AOL Health: Did you have children together?

Leifer: No. My partner and I adopted a child together two years ago. He's three now.

AOL Health: Do you think this is something you'll ever talk to him about?

Leifer: I'm sure. I’m sure it's very fascinating, especially to a teenager, when you find out that one of your parents was married before. I'm sure that will be of interest to him as much as that will interest a boy. I think what's great about raising our son is that he's happy as a clam, and having two moms works just great for him. It's not unusual for him because it's his norm.

AOL Health: What are the differences between being in a relationship with a woman instead of a man?

Leifer: In my relationships with men, whenever a woman says we have to sit down and talk the walls come up and the guy freaks out. With two women it's like, "Hey, let's pop the champagne." We could go all night talking. Talking is never a problem. In fact, it can get to be too much because it's two verbal people.

The challenges are those typical things around the house. When the satellite dish falls off the house or that kind of thing it's like, "Boy, wouldn't it be great if there's a rent a man to come by for that kind of stuff." But you work it out like any other relationship what each person's role is. I run the social calendar and send out holiday cards, and she normally drives when we go out together. It's really, in the end, the stuff of relationships. There's really not much difference other than I do miss handing the mayonnaise jar to a guy. But other than that it really comes down to the same kind of stuff.

A friend of mine was advising me with my book to get a certain kind of Web site: "You need to be unique and find a niche. How about a gay mom site?" And I said to him, "That's such an interesting idea but ultimately, in the end, a gay mom site just comes down to being a mom." If you look at it, the gay part really has nothing to do with it. It's the same thing of, how do I get my kid to finish his meal? How do you potty train him? All that stuff goes out the window, so it really just comes down to the nuts and bolts of the relationship and life.

AOL Health: It seems you had a relatively easier transition than most people. Is there anything you could say to them that might help?

Leifer: I think it's a little difficult because my circumstances were so different. I wasn't involved in my marriage at the time. We didn’t have children. Those things are big, real issues that can make this a difficult transition, and I didn't have that.

It's hard to redefine yourself and everything that goes along with it. That's a process. There are a lot of bumps in the road with that. My partner really hung in there with me when she worked that out 15 years ago. But it's part of the bigger theme of my book, which is the best part of my life is happening since I'm 40. If someone told me that when I was 28, I would be intrigued because I know at 28 I thought, "Oh God, the day that I’m 40 it's over. It's over. It's the end." I wrote the book because I want people -- not just women, but I think it affects women more -- [to know] that you can keep growing and changing and becoming even better and all these wonderful things are still out there after 40. It's so way beyond not over it can really be the beginning.

Meeting my partner -- I didn't know she was going to be a woman -- but that's the person I want to spend my life with. I didn't know I wanted to have children, but we changed that decision. [When] we adopted our child, I was 50. I rediscovered my faith. We both got Bat Mitzvahed together. I became an animal person as a result of being with my partner. We have seven rescue dogs, and we're super into animals [as animal advocates.] So I want to encourage other woman who this is happening to just follow your true self. Just be your authentic self because there's nothing sexier or more beautiful than that. You can be younger and a fake, and I much prefer talking with [or] being friends with the person who's older and themselves.

Read more on Lemondrop about women who have traded men for the ladies.

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