Time to Leave, Not Love

Breakup Excuses

Breaking up is hard to do, but sometimes it just has to be done. Relationship experts Jane Greer, PhD, a New York City marriage and family therapist and host of Doctor On Call, and Neil Rosenthal, licensed marriage and family therapist in Denver, CO, go through a list of some of the most important reasons we leave instead of love. Sometimes there's still hope, often there's none. Find out more.

It's Not You, It's Me

This statement is the easiest way to let someone down while avoiding outright rejection, says Greer. It's chivalrous: The one doing the breaking up takes all the responsibility. "It's a diplomatic, graceful way to step to step out of a relationship," says Greer. Usually, this means a clean break. But sometimes, as Greer points out, it's circumstantial. One person could be grieving a death or dealing with a new job, for example. "Keep the door open. Ask if it's okay for you to be in touch in the future."


You Remind Me of My Ex-

It's entirely possible that you possess some behaviors, qualities or traits that remind your partner of an old flame. This is a land mine, says Greer. "You've become a recipient of animosity, hostility or resentment due to nothing you've done." If your partner tells you this, Greer suggests asking, "Could you let me know how I remind you of him (or her)?" That way, you can understand the specifics. Or, why don't the two of you explore the positive qualities of the ex-. The one thing you shouldn't do is change. All you can change is their perspective.


I'm Bored in Bed

This is among the most hurtful things one person can tell another. Still, Greer says it is a legit reason to break up. "Sex is an essential part of a healthy relationship," she says. The question: Why didn't the partner talk about his or her bedroom blues earlier? "If he or she is that superficial and unwilling to do the work in the relationship, the most you can say is you're willing to try to and make it better." Most of us would react by thinking, "What's wrong with me?" However, Greer points out that if someone says sex is boring, that's their personal opinion -- it doesn't make true.


I'm Too Jealous

This a huge issue and it's often a passive way of saying, "I'm not getting the right amount of attention from you." The best case scenario is that your partner agrees to work on the jealousy piece while you work on being more affectionate and acknowledging, says Greer. Then again, does your partner have real cause to feel jealous? You're flirtatious with others, but are you flirting with him, too?


I Don't Trust You

Without trust, there is no relationship. All you can do in this case is ask your partner, "Why don't you trust me?" If you've done something truly untrustworthy (lie or cheat), tell them you want to earn their trust back. That includes being more connected and honest. If you haven't done anything to make your partner distrust you, well, your relationship is better off kaput.


I Found Someone New

To most, this is real blow. "You'll feel betrayed, replaced, rejected and hurt," says Greer. "What this means is that your relationship wasn't fulfilling, your partner wasn't forthright or open about it, and instead opted to walk around unhappy with one eye open." When you hear this, there's very little you can do. "Most people are too angry and hurt." However, you can ask, "Why didn't you tell me sooner? Is it too late?" Unfortunately, most times it usually is.


I Can't Be Who You Want Me to Be

Translation: One partner has expectations or needs that the other can't or won't go along with. How many times have you heard of a wife needing more affectionate from her aloof husband? Or a man looking for a top chef when his partner's best dish comes from a takeout menu? "This is a very good reason to get the heck out of a relationship," says Greer. "There's very little wiggle room." If, however, you're willing, ask, "What or who do you think I want you to be?" If it's about a behavior -- affection, more home-cooked meals -- you can work on it.


In Being with You, I've Lost Myself

The question that has to be asked -- and then answered -- is, where have you lost yourself and how can we help you regain yourself and still remain in this relationship? "This is almost identical to 'I can't be who you want me to be,'" says Rosenthal. "There's a good chance the relationship won't make it long range." One person -- typically the more controlling and narcissistic partner -- would have to change an awful lot. "Not every relationship is worth saving."


The Magic is Gone

While that's may be true, it's helpful to remember that magic is rarely a constant in any long-term intimate relationship. "There will be times where there is no magic," Rosenthal points out. "So while it's likely true, it's not necessarily a great reason to breakup." View this as an opportunity to rekindle the flame. "It might be that someone got so absorbed with the children or their career that he or she let the relationship slide. They quit putting effort into it, and a sense of "Why am I here" starts to come up for the other partner." The wrong thing to do is pull out. The right things are love notes, together time and weekend getaways.