Forgive Your Family Feuds
Family Reconciliations
By Karen Asp
Family disagreements? Mothers and daughters, brothers and sisters who no longer speak? Welcome to the brave new world of today's family. Long gone are the days when everyone agreed that father (and mother) knew best and adult children agreed on care choices for aging parents (in the family home, of course!). Anger, hostility, stress and estrangements abound these days. Is it ever too late? Rarely.
There's no better time than the present to work towards understanding and reunion. Find out how below.
Celebrity Family Feuds
By Caroline Howard and Allison Bond
Angelina Jolie vs. Jon Voight
Jolie and Voight haven't had much contact since he told Access Hollywood that his daughter was unstable in 2002. But that's not all. Jolie says she is upset by her father's infidelity to her mother, late French actress Marcheline Bertrand. Voight has yet to meet his grandchildren but says he's "looking forward to it." Brings to mind the Chinese proverb: "To understand your parents' love you must raise children yourself."
Jeff Vespa Archive, WireImage.com
Tori vs. Candy Spelling
The bad blood between look-alike mother, 63, and daughter, 35, publicly started with the negative mother character in "So NoTORIous." Things worsened after another Tori attack in her 2008 bestselling tell-all, "sTORI Telling," claiming Candy cheated on her dying husband and Tori's dad, TV mogul Aaron Spelling. Sure enough, though, Candy had to rub her ears when she heard Tori tell one talk show, "Our relationship is fine."
Kevin Winter, Getty Images
Christian vs. Jenny and Sharon Bale
The Batman star's reputation was tarnished by allegations that he assaulted his mother, 61, a former circus clown, and 40-year-old sister at a London hotel days after "The Dark Knight" opened in the U.S. to the tune of $160 million. Bale denied the accusations and the charges were dropped. Mum and sister told the press that they "want him to be taught a lesson."
Jun Sato, WireImage
Lindsay vs. Michael Lohan
Lindsay and her dad have been in an off-again, on-again feud for years. It's hard to overlook Michael's prison sentences, her sad accusations from the 2006 song, "Confessions of a Broken Heart" -- "Tell me the truth, did you ever love me?" -- and his latest criticisms of her sapphic friendship with Samantha Ronson. But Daddy Lohan is out of touch with her life, Lindsay says, adding that Ronson "has not, and will never" sell her out, People magazine says.
Lenny Furman, Getty Images
Tatum vs. Ryan O'Neal
Though the two haven't spoken in "years and years," according to Tatum, she told Oprah: "I love my dad." Her family legacy -- winning an Oscar at age 10 for starring with her father in "Paper Moon" -- also includes a battle against addiction. In June 2008, Tatum, now 44, was arrested for trying to buy crack cocaine in New York City. Three months later, Ryan, 67, and his son, Raymond, 23, (Tatum's half-brother), were arrested after police found narcotics in their Malibu home.
Kevin Winter, Getty Images
Madonna vs. Christopher Ciccone
When it comes to sibling betrayal, Madge's little brother wrote the book -- literally. Ciccone's 2008 exposé, "Life with My Sister Madonna," paints a decidedly unflattering picture of the pop queen that he penned on the sly and tried to get published before her "lawyers could get a hold of it," according to The New York Post.
Kevin Mazur, WireImage
Aaron Carter vs. Jane Spaulding
In 2003 the one-time teen heart throb alleged his mother, Spaulding, stole more than $100,000 from his bank account. Only 16 at the time, Aaron cut off professional and personal ties with his mother who, with his father and her now-ex-husband, Robert Carter, once served as his manager. Aaron and his mother have since resolved the issue and apparently on good terms.
Chris Weeks, WireImage
Christina vs. Fausto Aguilera
The pop diva has spoken publicly about the abuse she and her mother, Shelly Kearns, suffered at the hands of her father. In one song from her 2003 album, "Stripped," Aguilera sings of a little girl "living in a war that she called home." She supports the 1736 Family Crisis Center, the National Coalition Against Domestic Violenceand the Women's Center and Shelter of Greater Pittsburgh on her web site.
Gregg DeGuire, WireImage
Drew vs. Jaid Barrymore
Although some studies show parents that firm parents raise more successful kids, not here. Drew danced in NYC nightclubs until the wee hours at age 10. Two years later she was snorting cocaine and sought --and won -- emancipation from Jaid at age 15. Now 33, she is a successful producer, actress and cover girl of People magazine's 2007 "Most Beautiful" issue. Says Drew, "I believe in fate. I believe that everything happens for a reason, but I think it's important to seek out that reason - that's how you learn."
Kevin Mazur, WireImage
Jennifer Aniston vs. Nancy Dow
Even after nine years of not speaking, Aniston needed her mama after her painful split with then-husband Brad Pitt. Said Aniston to Good Morning America in 2005: "It's crazy what, you know, your life kind of being turned upside down will lead you to. For us it's it was the time, and it was going to happen when it was supposed to happen."
Getty Images (2)
Why do rifts happen?
All relationships have some degree of conflict, or disagreements, over anything from whose turn it is to take out the garbage to who gets the money in Grandma's will.
Conflict can be a good thing. "The absence of conflict means that you're not talking about things that matter most to you," says Terri Orbuch, Ph.D., a marriage and family therapist in Detroit and research professor at the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor. Family conflicts are usually manageable and can be resolved quickly. What's important is that all parties respect their differences and put pride and hurt aside.
However, when problems or issues accumulate to the point that mutual understanding is no longer possible, deeper troubles arise. These can often cause rifts between family members.
"That is about accumulated disrespect for each other," Orbuch says, adding that although these rifts can happen in any relationship, they tend to occur most frequently between parents and children, or among siblings.
The importance of healing
While it might seem easier to close the door on a difficult relationship and dismiss the person from your life, there are good reasons to take steps toward reunion -- and healing. For one thing, you'll feel better.
"It's a selfish act, because healing is more for you than it is the other person," says Rebecca Grado, a marriage and family therapist in San Francisco and co-founder of the Mother Daughter Empowerment Summit. "If you don't get closure on these hurtful relationships, you're not free to move forward in your life, and your current relationships may suffer."
"Healing is really more about taking responsibility and accountability, learning from what happened and coming out with an understanding about who you are," Grado continues. While that can lead to rebuilding and redefining the relationship, it might also lead to saying goodbye.
Healing the wounds
So how do you go about healing a family rift? It all depends on the situation, but Orbuch recommends writing down a list of positives about the other person. "You can dwell on the negatives forever, but if you want to move forward, you've got to focus on the positives, even if you have to go back 10 or 20 years," she says.
Next, put yourself in the other person's shoes and try to understand the situation from his or her perspective. "Having an understanding about the other person unlocks your compassion," Grado says.
Even tougher is forgiving the other person, but it's a necessary step if you want to reach closure. "Forgiveness is another selfish act, for when you forgive, you give yourself freedom," Grado says.
Creating boundaries is also important. "Often, issues arise because people don't have boundaries in relationships," Orbuch says, adding that family members need to respect each other's privacy. As a parent, for instance, you can't expect to be your children's best friends. Nor can children expect their parents to be their best friends. So figuring out what boundaries you need to have in place will help you move forward.
Once you've dealt with all of this, you may be ready to reach out to the other person. Both Grado and Orbuch advocate letter writing as a way to do so. When you write a letter, after all, you have time to hone your words and get crystal clear about what you want to say. Letter writing also helps slow you down, preventing anger and defensiveness from sneaking in.
Of course, none of this will happen overnight. It might take weeks, months, even years for you to reach this point, and you might not be able to get there alone. You might, after all, need help from an outside source like a counselor or therapist who can offer an unbiased view and help you work through the situation.
There is, however, one major obstacle that could stand in your way: The other person may not be ready to heal yet -- and that's okay. "Once you've written that letter, you've done your part," Grado says. "You can then move on, knowing that you've responded with love and integrity."
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Recent Comments
Juli412003 05:44:35 AM Oct 15 2008
I BELIEVE THAT GRANDKIDS SHOULD SEE THIER REAL FAMILY CUZ, BLOOD IS THICKER THEN WATER. ALLWAYS WILL BE IN MY EYES. AND ALL THESE DIFFRENT WOMAN HAVING TO CALL HER NEW BOYFRIEND DADDY. I DONT BELIEVE IN LYING TO KIDS. EVEN WHEN THEY ARE YOUNG. I CAN NOT BELIEVE HOW MANY WOMAN DO THIS TO THIER CHILDREN.
FLILGUY 03:40:25 AM Oct 15 2008
Why should someone write a letter if you did nothing wrong, I have family members that should be in prison for what that did to my cousin, grandmother and parents. When they die and If I would inherit the money they stole that might be a start.
JMBaltazar 02:04:45 AM Oct 15 2008
But what is family? Is family those which we share our blood or those which we share our life and times ...Be wise be smart ..! Holding grudges only sours the heart..some never meet their biological family so again Forgive and forget and move on...
Dslovejoy1 01:42:26 AM Oct 15 2008
And sometimes it is just better if you stay apart. Not all problems are repairable. My division came about to protect my "new: family from bigotry and ignorance. Live is hard enough without being denigrated by immediate relatives.
JMBaltazar 01:39:26 AM Oct 15 2008
I always have wondered why families fight with each other when at one point in their life they would have probably killed to save that person from any harm but today care nothing for that person ...what changed...!!! What changed? I think we have to always try and walk in that other person shoes - to see what they see...to hear what they hear...to experience what they have experienced. Everyone say's "that our family is tight" but maybe because both of my parents are still around. My mother stil breaks her back for one and all and always wishes everyone does the same...my father say's "as been y no mires aquien" Sorry the literal meaning would probably get lost in translation but it we could say it means be selfless....I always remeber that blood is thickerthan water...
Leathersarnett 01:28:15 AM Oct 15 2008
If there is violence between the family members, be it blood relatives or partners call it quits. Despite what some will say (they have not been in a violent family or relationship) I don't advise trying to work it out. The offenders only get worse as time moves forard. Please don't become a statistic. UNITED WE STAND!
rockacholic32189 12:23:01 AM Oct 15 2008
Seriously put your faith in Jesus Christ and ask Him for help. I've got a very difficult sister and if it wasn't for God there is no way I wouldn't just let her know how she makes me feel and not be nice about it. Please take your problems to Jesus Christ, He makes all things new.
x0xo jamie 12:14:52 AM Oct 15 2008
My entire family doesnt get along with my mother. My parents are still married but do not get along at all. My dad is laid back while my mom is constantly in everyones business and yells all the time. My brother was murdered 2 years ago, and ever since then everything pretty much fell apart. My mom and I argue everyday and I hate but nothing can resolve it. Ive asked her to go to counseling but she said I just need when everyone knows she needs it the most. Me and my mom have the worst relationship out of everyone though. She's terrible, she has said some comments I will never forget. She is so hurtful and she doesnt even care. She blames everyone else. I wish she would listen to this article. She needs to get a long with the 2 kids she has instead of dwelling on the one.
x0xo jamie 12:14:52 AM Oct 15 2008
My entire family doesnt get along with my mother. My parents are still married but do not get along at all. My dad is laid back while my mom is constantly in everyones business and yells all the time. My brother was murdered 2 years ago, and ever since then everything pretty much fell apart. My mom and I argue everyday and I hate but nothing can resolve it. Ive asked her to go to counseling but she said I just need when everyone knows she needs it the most. Me and my mom have the worst relationship out of everyone though. She's terrible, she has said some comments I will never forget. She is so hurtful and she doesnt even care. She blames everyone else. I wish she would listen to this article. She needs to get a long with the 2 kids she has instead of dwelling on the one.
FlyJenGirl 12:00:18 AM Oct 15 2008
My own mother believes everything my ex-meth-head sister says about me and my mom takes it to heart. She never listens to me for anything. Then she writes me hateful letters saying she will only love me on a condition and that she has no desire to see me until I grow-up! Then she wants an apology. I've had it; I want to tell her that you are not going to listen to her hearsay all the time and expect to just continue seeing your granddaughter! She also thinks she can threaten me; just because she owns the house my husband and daughter/me live in! I'am working on getting her out of my life for good along with my sister!
