The Upside of Envy
The Upside of Envy
Courtesy of Women’s Health
Guilt, Shame, and Other Fun Stuff
Indeed, the real problem with jealousy may be how it makes us feel about ourselves. Randi Kuhn, 24, a guidance secretary in a Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, high school, was nothing but excited for her pregnant coworker -- until the woman started to get morning sickness. The mom-to-be never realized how her complaints sounded to Kuhn, who was diagnosed at age 21 with polycystic ovarian syndrome, a condition that doctors told her would make it difficult, if not impossible, to get pregnant herself. "I got unbelievably jealous of her," Kuhn says. "I wished I could have morning sickness and swollen feet and backaches. I guess maybe I did feel she didn't have a right to complain and should just be happy for the whole experience." When her coworker recovered and started enjoying her pregnancy again, the feelings faded. But in the meantime, Kuhn felt so guilty about her thoughts, she made her friend a feel-better-soon basket.
Other times, jealousy inspires less laudatory behavior. "We're ashamed of our feelings and they come out in more underhanded ways, like gossiping or spreading rumors," Mooney says.
We're conditioned to react like that all the way back in childhood. "Think about fairy tales," Barash says. "Cinderella was a threat — they were so jealous of her purity and beauty and good temper, they wanted her to disappear." Ditto Snow White, Rapunzel, and dozens of others.
This Way Out
So how do you keep a lid on your inner evil stepsister? One way is to recognize your feelings. When I complained to my boyfriend about my friend's new job and he told me I sounded jealous, I denied it. But it made me think. I realized she wasn't being as obnoxious as I thought -- I was jealous. So now what?
Talk about it. "Admit you're happy for your friend but jealous of her promotion," Mooney says. "Just getting the feeling out enables you to move on." Of course, when I confessed, my friend wasn't upset at all, and I did feel better. Also ask yourself if you really want what you think you do. In the end, I didn't. I like my job, even sans sunny office and supersize salary.
But talking it out doesn't always help with casual acquaintances. In such cases, don't blame yourself for feeling jealous, but figure out what's driving it. "Jealousy can pinpoint where we feel insecure, whether it's career, personal life, health, financial situation," Mooney says. "Overcome jealousy by thinking about how you can change, even in a small way."
Finally, take a step back and look at the big picture. "Everyone has their own path, and good things come to people at different times," Mooney says. Jealousy just may be pointing you in the right direction.
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