You love your relative, so why is it so hard to find things to talk about? Let's be honest: visits can be difficult to get through, particularly when someone you love has undergone a catastrophic health event or has been diagnosed with a chronic or debilitating illness. You may both be avoiding the elephant in the room, or it may be that you're simply trying to stay positive. So how can you make a visit with you loved one something that you'll both look forward to and enjoy?

A Little Help Never Hurt
Sometimes bringing something along with you will help guide the conversation. Many facilities allow pets to visit, and that's a good start. Animal lovers will appreciate the visit, but an animal's activities shouldn't generate the only conversation. You should have other things to talk about besides the dog barking at someone, sniffing something, or sitting up or laying down. You've made time to visit and your loved one is eager to visit you. Be prepared so that you don't run out of things to say to each other.

You'll have a more satisfying visit if you bring something along that holds real interest for the person you are visiting. Objects often have memories associated with them. Bringing along something to share may tap into some memories or experiences that are delightful to share. The better you know the person, the easier it is to find something that will open the door for conversation. Think about your loved one's favorite pastimes and hobbies.

Things to Bring
Did your loved one enjoy cooking or baking? It's possible that she misses it if she lives in an assisted living facility or somewhere where her meals are prepared for her. When you visit, take some recipe cards or a cooking magazine. Use this to discuss her cooking secrets, what she didn't like and what she did, her favorite recipes, and how cooking has changed since she was a girl. This would be a great time to jot down any of her favorite recipes that you've always wanted to try.

Was traveling a passion? Bring postcards from places she visited or wanted to go. Travel magazines are great for this purpose as well. If she is sight-impaired, try incorporating her other senses. Bring a tape recording of music from places she visited, or a dish for her to taste. Some travel films have background music or a commentary. Even if she can't see the video, she can enjoy the sound. These items can help start a conversation about travel. You might even discuss how to pack, what to take, where to go, what plans to make, types of travel, and kinds of accommodations. You might find that the items bring back memories of trips that your loved one has taken, and she might enjoy reminiscing about them with you.

Lead the Conversation
Questions that demand a specific response can limit the conversation. For example, don't ask your loved one if she remembers a specific family vacation. If she doesn't, it can make you both feel awkward. Instead you might want to start with open-ended statements like, "I remember the time we went to California when I was a kid. Here are some postcards I found that remind me of that summer." Invite your loved one to join in the conversation without demanding a "correct" memory. Use the postcards to prompt you. You might point out the sights in one, or ask whether you loved one would like to a specific place they've never been.

How Long to Stay The best visits are usually short, particularly when the person you are visiting lives in a long-term care facility. Consider whether your loved one is well enough to enjoy a prolonged visit. If not, rather than sitting in silence wondering what to say next, shorten the visit so that it ends after you have finished talking about whatever you brought. You have both enjoyed the visit, you have communicated love and concern, and your loved one knows that you care. Visit again soon, and bring something else to talk about the next time.