Courtesy of Avery
At age 19, Monica Seles had won eight Grand Slam titles and was the number-one ranked women's tennis player in the world. With her father -- as her coach, best friend and constant companion -- by her side, along with her mother and older brother supporting her, and the rest of the tennis world finally taking her two-handed forehand game seriously, she was the girl to beat. Tennis was her life, and she loved it.
But on April 30, 1993, a fan of the formerly ranked number-one player Steffi Graf came onto the court during a match in Germany and stabbed Seles. It was another two and a half years before Seles played competitively. She eventually won another Grand Slam title, but her winning streak was over. She was no longer number one.
At age 35, and newly inducted into the International Tennis Hall of Fame, Seles has long since stopped debating whether this incident and the events that followed -- her father's cancer diagnosis just weeks after the stabbing and his eventual death in 1998, and her method of coping with her losses, emotional eating, which led to a binge-eating disorder and 40 excess pounds -- wrecked her career and her life. As the title suggests, her new memoir, "Getting a Grip on My Body, My Mind, My Self" is emphatic in affirming Seles's ability to reclaim control over her eating, and to allow herself to finally grieve for her personal loss and to build a new life after tragedy.
AOL Health had the opportunity to speak with Seles about her book, her recovery and what life is like after making it to the top.
Monica Seles: I went from the number-one player worrying about my next match, to worrying, "Am I going to be able to walk?" I struggled with a lot of emotional issues for about two and a half years. Food became my best friend. I talk very openly in the book about how I turned to food for emotional issues, even though I did seek medical professional help. But for whatever reason, food was still my best friend. Unfortunately, when I came back two and a half years later to the court, even though I won a lot of tournaments, criticism from the media or other people was harsh because of my weight.
AOL Health: In addition to the negative press, boyfriends and trainers made comments about your weight.
Seles: It was hard. I look back at it now, and I can kind of smile and laugh. At that time it was very hard and hurtful. I was already self-conscious about it. I knew when I looked in the mirror that I was heavy. Nobody else needed to remind me. It’s especially hard when you open a newspaper and you see a picture of yourself next to another athlete who is just too perfect and they compare you. The sentence with me, I remember, when I won one of my tournaments in Oklahoma was, "Chubby Monica Seles Wins This Tournament." I was like "I just won a tournament! I'm number-one in the world, and I know I'm 40 pounds overweight, and I know that if I lose the weight I'd probably be a better player, but this is not helping." That was a tough period, but I think in tennis you grow to have a tough skin.
AOL Health: You consulted countless nutritionists and trainers for weight-loss advice. What kinds of diets did they put you on? Did you stick to them?
Seles: The 1,400-calorie one. The all-protein one. The food-combination one. I never want to go back to that period. It was always about restricting myself and forbidden eating. I was forbidden from eating a cookie, or from eating pasta. I would lose weight a lot of the time when I would put myself on these trick diets, but two months later I would gain it back and then some. I think my brain works in a way that as soon as I forbid myself to eat something, that is all I think about. Then mentally, it was hard to go back on the diet again. A lot of people, I think, can relate. One of the worst things we can do is gain the weight, lose the weight, gain the weight, because that's not just terrible for the body, but emotionally. The irony of it all was that I lost the 40 pounds when I really stopped exercising like crazy and just started walking and taking charge of the emotional eating. In my old days, I was playing five to six hours a day, so I was definitely exercising enough, but I was eating poor quality foods and large quantities, so I was still overweight. It just shows that exercise is very important, but you really also have to control your eating.
AOL Health: When did you admit that you had a binge-eating problem?
Seles: I think probably I first admitted it to myself -- which was the hardest -- when I got this terrible foot injury in 2003 and I had to stop playing tennis. It just really scared me, because I was playing in a sport where everybody was super-skinny, just beautiful. I thought, "Oh wow, I'm not going to be able to play tennis for a long time. My foot has to be in a cast. I'm turning 30, which in my profession is ancient ... What am I going to do? I'm heavy. I'm going to be even bigger." That's when I sat myself down and said, "There's nothing wrong with being heavy. All of us can be whatever we want to be. Don't beat yourself up. If you want to lose weight, you know the tools. You have to make that shift in your mind and do this for yourself." I think the big turning point was when I decided I wanted to do this for myself, not for a boyfriend, not for a tournament, but for Monica. That's when my brain started shifting and when I stopped being so negative and so hard on myself.
AOL Health: Your book is so honest and open with all the issues you had to face. Why did you decide to write it?
Seles: The whole idea started after I was on "Dancing with the Stars," [in 2008] because after I played my last match in 2003, I was out of the spotlight for about five years, and in those five years I lost almost 40 pounds. Suddenly, when I got back into the spotlight on "Dancing with the Stars," the number-one comment I got was, "Oh, my God, you look great" or "You lost so much weight. We all thought you would be huge after you stopped playing tennis." And I said "Gosh, there is something here," because I battled an eating disorder for 10 years. The last thing you would think is that there are heavy athletes. I was one of them, and I got so much criticism for it. My main goal was that I wanted anyone who is going through what I went through for 10 years to hopefully know they can win this battle. If I can cut down the time that they have this battle, then I served my purpose with the book. That's why I thought I had to be very honest, because for any of us who have gone through eating too much, or not eating at all, there are all these inner emotions that are happening, so that really, at the end of the day, it's not food that's eating us, it's our own emotions.
AOL Health: After the stabbing, do you think you were emotionally ready to begin playing tennis again when you did?
Seles: I wish I knew the answer. I don't think anybody can answer. I don't think anyone in any sport has had happen what happened to me. I never had anybody to ask, "What should I do?" I had to find my own way. When I decided to go back to playing tennis, there was really one thing in my mind, "This is what I really love to do. I'm only 21 years old. I don't need to go back financially, but I do need to go back emotionally because this is what I love to do." When I did go back and I played my first tournament in August of 1995, I got the most amazing reception from the stands. To me, that meant so much because up to that point, I wasn't sure if I made the right decision to come back, how good I would be. I had so many doubts. I will always be forever thankful to those fans. It made me feel like, "This is where I'm supposed to be. I'm a tennis player and this is what I love to do."
AOL Health: How did you cope when your father's cancer diagnosis followed up your own personal tragedy?
Seles: Losing my father, it was not just losing my dad, it was losing my best friend and coach. It was probably one of the hardest things in my life to go through, especially to see what he had to go through when he battled cancer. A few months ago, when I watched the Farrah Fawcett piece, I could so relate to that. It just brought back so many memories of what my family had to go through. I think anybody who has a family member who passes away from cancer, we can relate to what each of us has gone through. My dad always said to enjoy life, to celebrate life, so I always wanted to preserve my dad's memory, so I try really hard to stay positive. I was thankfully really able to do that and go back to playing tennis to the best of my ability.
AOL Health: How did you juggle visiting your father and playing all over the world?
Seles: That year and a half was just a very difficult period. I struggled with being away, and I would try to come back as much as I could to see my father. Yet at the same time, I had to play, because otherwise I would have lost every single one of my sponsorship contracts. I think my dad saying that he really wanted me to do what I wanted was supposed to help, but you still struggle inside. I knew that he wouldn't be here for a long time so I wanted to spend as much time with him as possible, and I did. I look back at those times with my dad as very special. When I learned that my father was in the last few hours of his life, that flight I took from where I was playing tennis in Rome, Italy, was probably the loneliest time in my life, sitting on that plane. When I got to the hospital, he was still on life support. I was still there, and I know that in some way or form that it was just the closure of his life. The day he passed away, there were no words unspoken. We really spoke about everything and had closure. That meant a tremendous amount to me. He left me with so many wonderful memories that I always cherish.
AOL Health: You lost your father so young, and the man who stabbed you got off with two years probation, with your appeals leading nowhere. Did you feel cheated?
Seles: No. I think I look back at my career, and I had so many great things and so many bad things. I could talk to you all day long about the what-ifs, but the what-ifs -- all of us know in life we have no answers. I choose to live my life in the present. That's really what has kept me going through the good and through the bad times.
AOL Health: You avoided grieving for your personal losses and for your father's death for so long. Was writing the book therapeutic for you?
Seles: Oh, definitely. While writing the book I shed a lot of tears. There were times when I was writing it when I thought, "I just can't do this." I called Megan, who's my publisher, and I said, "Megan, I'm sorry. I just can't do this. It's too hard to go back because I've worked so hard to get over those times in my life and I had to relive them." But somehow in the back of my head, I always thought, "I really want to do this." But more important, I heard my dad's voice. My dad was a very optimistic person. He always said, "Monica, have fun. Life goes by so quickly."
For a long time, when I was on tour, I really didn't want to talk to anybody [about my eating issues] because I thought that it was only me who was struggling with it. I was embarrassed. Here I was this super-strong tennis player, but I couldn't control the simplest thing -- eating. Later, when I began [giving talks at] Women's Sports Foundation [events], these ladies and girls came up to me [asking questions about my weight issues] ... Probably because of my standing, they felt comfortable talking to me about the emotional aspect. I was like, "Wow, there are women out there too who are experiencing this." [So I thought, "Why not] help people out there who really are going through things and cut the time? Don't let them struggle like I did for ten years," because I really lived in a fog.
AOL Health: For years, as you dealt with injuries, weight issues and emotional recovery, the press kept hounding you about retiring.
Seles: I really wanted to retire on my own terms. After I took some time away from tennis, I realized that this decision has to come from me. I think taking control of my eating really helped empower me. I felt that I was in control and that I was going to control when I wanted to retire. I really wanted to make sure that I gave it my all because one of the things I'm the most proud of is that every time I step out on the tennis court, I give it 110 percent. I wanted to make sure it was the same way in terms of coming back. Unfortunately, my body didn't agree with that. It said, "You've had enough. You probably started playing very young, all those seven and eight hours a day on the hard courts, having the extra 40 pounds. Your foot will only take so much." I still tried, and I gave it my best, and that's all I can ask. This weekend I got inducted into the Tennis Hall of Fame. I look back, and I had a great career. But more important, I really got to do something that I loved. That's as good as it gets.
AOL Health: As you began preparing yourself for a life outside of tennis, you challenged yourself to try new things and visit new places. What did you discover about yourself?
Seles: I always worked with trainers and coaches and I always thought I had to listen to everybody, but you've got to listen to that little inner voice too. Trying new things got me out of that box, because in tennis, I had a strict regimen. When I was playing tennis, I wasn't allowed to ski because you could get injured. When I retired I said, "Okay, I've got to try skiing." So I tried skiing. I was always afraid of heights, so I tried skydiving. I cannot describe the freedom. When I was jumping out of the plane I was so scared. I doubted myself. "Should I do this? Should I not?" At the same time I said, "I need this. I need to do this to go on to that next step in my life." Once I've done something I'm like, "Okay, good. Great, I've done that." Next was scuba diving, now it's doing more stuff with animals.
AOL Health: What would you say to people who think your best days are over? What do you think lies ahead?
Seles: Definitely, for my tennis days, the best days are over. There's no question there. When I step on the tennis court now I [wonder], "I really could play tennis?" I'm terrible now, and it's hard for the ego. You're used to hitting these big cross courts and now, also I'm a few steps slower. It's hard for the ego, no question. In general life, every day is just a gift. Who knows if I'll have great days ahead or tough days? I'm sure I'll have both because that's life. I truly want to work on the things that are close to my heart, and that's kids, dogs and finding a second work passion like tennis was. From that point, as long as my loved ones are happy, that's all I can ask.
