Denise Cregier
By Mary Kearl
Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda had it easy. Trying to find Mr.
Right before your hair falls out and after your reconstructed breast
heals, now that's a challenge. And that's New York native Cathy Bueti's story, or part of it. In her new book, "Breastless in the City,"
she writes about falling in love with Paul at age 15, marrying him at
age 23 and then losing him less than two years later to a car accident.
After years of grieving, and just a few years of dipping her toes into
the online and offline dating worlds, she discovered a lump in her
breast -- but that didn't stop her from trying to find a man who could
treat her right again.
In an interview with AOL Health, Bueti shares the ups and downs of dating while diagnosed with and treated for breast cancer -- chronicling bad dates, good dates, chemo, recovery and her courtship with her current husband.
AOL Health: You married young with the relationship ending in tragedy. How did that affect later dating?
Cathy Bueti: I met Paul in high school. He was my
first boyfriend. I knew the moment we met that I would marry him. He
saved me from a very difficult time in my life. My family was breaking
up. I was dealing with after effects of my father's alcoholism, and
Paul was the first and only person I had shared that with. Paul was
always there for me and always made me feel loved, which was something
I didn't feel from my parents growing up. When he died, a part of me
died too. When I began dating again, at first I often compared everyone
to him. It was hard to picture a life with someone else. But because we
had such a loving relationship and because he treated me so well, it
reminded me of how I deserved to be treated.
AOL Health: How long after your husband's death did you begin dating?
Bueti:
Initially, I didn't even want to date again. I felt guilty even
thinking about it. It was like cheating somehow. But after about three
years I felt ready.
AOL Health: You dated during and after your mastectomy -- a
surgical removal of one breast -- and reconstructive surgery and while
your hair was falling out. Was it hard to feel attractive, or even have
the energy to go out?
Bueti:
Yes! I suffered from severe fatigue during my chemo. I also worked
full-time as an occupational therapist (OT), which drained me. Dealing
with the changes in my body was very tough. I was bald, had sallow skin
and surgery scars. Sometimes it was hard to face the mirror every day.
Breast cancer, in particular, robs women of a part of their sexuality
as well. It was really hard to feel like a sexy single girl with no
hair and a reconstructed scarred breast. I was also experiencing
early-onset menopause from the chemo, which caused hot flashes among
other things. It was hard to feel attractive while I was sweating like
a man from the flashes!
AOL Health: Dating in the Internet age can raise privacy issues. How did you decide to reveal you had breast cancer with a date?
Bueti: Initially it was easy for me to hide that I had
cancer. I didn't look the part yet. I still had my hair and my surgery
was months away. After my surgery I decided to wait and see if I even
made it to the third date with a guy before I would tell him. Then my
hair fell out, so there was no more hiding. After that happened I was
up-front right away. Looking back, I wish I had been that honest all
along because hiding my cancer had started to make me feel like I was a
bad person, like I was guilty of something.
AOL Health: Did you ever have a bad experience with telling a date that you had breast cancer?
Bueti: Yes, with a guy I had been seeing for a few weeks just after my initial biopsy.
I told him over the phone and could hear the shock in his voice as he
conveniently changed the subject. There was not much conversation after
that and I never heard from him again.
AOL Health: Was that a common reaction?
Bueti: Well, there was the guy I was dating when I had my
surgery who never called me or came to visit the week I spent in the
hospital. When I came home and wanted to discuss how my cancer could
affect our sex life his response was "Don't worry, I like to
masturbate." Then there was the guy who was patting himself on the back
for dating the poor, sick cancer girl. When we broke up he told me I
was lucky he dated "someone like me."
Click through the photo slide show below to discover how Bueti met
her second "Mr. Right." Note: You'll need to disable your pop-up
blocker.
Cathy Bueti: On Love After Cancer
AOL Health: When you first felt a lump on your breast, you waited to have it checked by a doctor. Why?
Bueti: Because I was terrified. I had already been through such loss [after Paul's death], I didn't think I could survive something as deadly as cancer.
Pictured left: Cathy and her first husband Paul.
Provided by Cathy Bueti
AOL Health: Did your friends think you were crazy for continuing to date while dealing with cancer?
Bueti: Actually, my close friends supported me. They encouraged me to put myself out there. However, there were some people that asked me why I was putting myself through all of that. For me, it really was a way to feel like I was still living.
Denise Cregier
AOL Health: You're married now. How did you meet your husband?
Bueti: I met Lou online around the time of my last chemo treatment. In our first online chat I told him what I was going through. He shared with me that he had just lost his mom to breast cancer. Despite that loss he was very encouraging and still wanted to meet me.
AOL Health: When did you know Lou was "the one"?
Bueti: After of few weeks of dating. He was just different that anyone else. He accepted me for who I was despite all I was going through physically. He was the first man I had ever met besides Paul who was a true gentleman.
Pictured left: Cathy and her husband Lou.
Provided by Cathy Bueti
AOL Health: How did it feel to be in love again?
Bueti: It scared me at first because of the loss I had suffered. Once I was able to get past that, it felt great! Meeting Lou was worth all of the tears and pain I went through to get to that place in my life.
Buy the book.
Rod Hernandez
Breast Cancer Diagnosis, Treatment and Recovery
Bueti: When I finally went to the doctor to have the lump checked, I heard the all too typical response young people get, "You're too young. It's probably nothing." But luckily, I had a biopsy which revealed that I had invasive ductal carcinoma [the most common form of breast cancer, which has already spread beyond the milk ducts in the breast]. It was a small tumor so a lumpectomy [breast-conserving surgery] was recommended. I opted for a mastectomy. I wanted the peace of mind knowing [the cancer] was all gone. There was a little voice nagging at me to have the mastectomy. As it turned out, the biopsy of my breast tissue from the mastectomy revealed a tiny area on the opposite side of my breast that was cancerous which hadn't shown up on any scans. I am glad I followed that instinct. [After, I had a] TRAM flap reconstruction where they took a piece of my stomach muscle and belly fat to make a new breast. One of my lymph nodes was affected, which meant six months of aggressive chemo.
My father became very involved in helping me during all of my treatment. He was with me when I got the bad news, and he was there every day I was in the hospital and took me to all my chemo treatments. I was not expecting that because our relationship has been tough, and we had never been close.
I was single with bills to pay, so I had to continue to work full-time through all of my treatments, which was stressful.
AOL Health: Can you describe the process of recovery and where your health status stands today?
Bueti: It took at least six months after treatment to feel like I was getting my strength back. As my hair grew back and my scars began to fade, it got easier. [But] it was difficult to adjust to life after cancer. Initially, I was going for check-ups every four months, then every six months and today I go once a year. I have been cancer-free eight years now!
AOL Health: Are you worried about breast cancer recurrence?
Bueti: Yes, I live with a lot of anxiety about recurrence. I think it is a common fear among cancer survivors. Since my treatment ended I have tried to improve my life, including my diet and nutrition. I believe there is a big connection between what we put into our bodies and how that affects our health. I changed the way I eat, the way I live, and I am still working on changing the way I think. [The fear] is always there but I choose to keep moving forward.
AOL Health: Why did you decide to write "Breastless in the City"?
Bueti: I had always wanted to be a writer, but I never had the confidence to pursue it professionally. Having cancer changed me in many ways. I looked at life so differently. I always felt there was a reason I survived. I believe that part of that was to share my story and inspire others. I wanted to help other young people to feel less alone and to know that there is life during and after cancer.
