Real Sex for Real Women: Author Interview

AOL Health: How often do women fake?

Berman: The statistics vary. On average, 70 to 75 percent of women have faked at least one time.

AOL Health: What can a woman who is tired and frustrated with faking do?

Berman: There are two ways to overcome this problem. The way that will ultimately serve you and the relationship better -- is through complete honesty. Many men are so traumatized and will respond with, 'She was such a good actress. I had no idea. What else is she lying about?'

Often, you have to do repair work before you can even get to the issue of why you aren't achieving orgasm. Some men may become frustrated because a woman can't achieve orgasm and say, 'I don't know what is wrong with her, every other woman I've been with has been able to reach orgasm.' So every woman who [mercy fakes] is setting up a problem for future women. Part of figuring out the problem is to get to the bottom. Does she understand her anatomy and physiology? Has she explored self-stimulation? Once she figures it out on her own she can guide her partner.

The other (wimpy) way to address it [is by saying,] 'I'm finding I'm not responding in the same way anymore.' Men respond to that. Women's orgasms [play] a big part [in] their satisfaction. They respond to instruction. They want you to have a good time. If you have significant feedback, give it outside the bedroom, not in the throes [of passion]. Always frame it in the positive, not [focusing on] what he's not doing.

While the first way may pose problems in the short-term, in the end you'll have shared a brick or many bricks in the wall that's been standing between you and your partner and emotional intimacy.

AOL Health: Can a couple recover from long-term faking?

Berman: If [faking is occurring in love-making in] a long-term relationship, he's thinking what he's doing is working. Either way, the woman must figure it out on her own through self-stimulation, then teach that to him. Ninety-nine point nine-nine percent of the time he's going to say yes [to a woman's demands], unless he needs to work on trust issues.

AOL Health: What are some of the other most common sexual complaints you hear from women in terms of satisfaction?

Laura Berman: Women complain that they're just not interested in sex as much as their partner is, or at all. But once you start probing further, women complain that they're frustrated and that their needs are not being met. Women will reveal things likes, 'He's not lasting long enough,' or 'He has a low libido.' That's because it's becoming more acceptable to talk about for men. Also, in these economic times, financial and work-related stress has a big impact on male low libido. Men typically will want to have more sex when they are stressed, but when they are affected by work or financial stress that affects their core male identity and their drive.

AOL Health: Can the current economy affect women's libido as well?

Berman: Yes, stress always affects women. Women are easily distracted because we're thinking about so many things at once, so we're easily distracted from sexual desire. So stress can be distracting.

AOL Health: Are there any common misconceptions women have when it comes to sex?

Berman: A lot of women have unrealistic expectations about sex and achieving pleasure. They describe experiencing what is an orgasm, but they don't register it because what they see on TV is fireworks and head spinning around in ecstasy. Some orgasms are quiet, some are much more intense. They also want to reach orgasm during intercourse or at the same time as their partner.

AOL Health: How can women experience an orgasm without realizing it?

Berman: If you've never tasted chocolate before and you've always heard that when you taste chocolate that your ears should burn or that your ears should twitch, that you hear a marching band, that it is an other-worldly, out-of -body, experience, and if you eat chocolate and you don't have that experience you think, 'Oh, this must not be chocolate.' That is what happens with sex. Some orgasms are a little sneeze, you feel relief. Others you can feel contractions for up to minutes, but that's rare. Even women who can reach that kind of orgasm don't reach that level every time.

AOL Health: Do women ever experience orgasm envy from witnessing their partner achieve the intense orgasms they think they should be having?

Berman: Yes, but it also comes from men getting them so much easier and getting them every time. Orgasms are a fundamental experience of every sexual encounter for men. Women get so much pressure from men because men can't conceive of not experiencing an orgasm so eventually she mercy fakes and then he rolls over all satisfied with himself. But eventually she becomes frustrated.

AOL Health: Do you think women take the time to educate themselves about their own bodies in the way that they expect men to know about themselves? Or in the way men take to educate themselves about their bodies?

Berman: Unfortunately there are many women who say, 'If I'm with the right guy I'll just respond.' They put their pleasure in someone else's hands. Unless you feel comfortable in your own skin, you're not going to have the most fun you can in the bedroom. [Too] many women have never looked at their genitals. They were taught they are ugly, dirty, never to come in direct hand-to-genital contact. I recently authored a study that found that women who feel comfortable with their genitals are six times more likely to feel sexually satisfied.

His technique and patience are all important. But just like you can't put your happiness in your partner's hands, you can't put your pleasure in your partner's hands. It's almost a way to not take responsibility for sex. Women's most common fantasy is to be overtaken and dominated so she doesn't have to take responsibility for her sexuality.

AOL Health: What do you think defines a 'great lover'?

Berman: A great lover is someone who is secure and open and communicative. Someone who takes feedback with an open mind, who is patient and curious and is capable of deep emotional intimacy. All the rest -- the techniques -- can be learned.

AOL Health: Do you think women give up on finding sexual satisfaction too easily?

Berman: I don't know if it's too easily, but women do give up. Some women never really start. They kind of have an acceptance, this is just the way it's going to be. That works for a while. Eventually, once their kids are older and they're reaching their 40s, they're not just in survival mode. They're saying, 'I want this for myself, where it's rich and deep and satisfying.'