Relationship Confridence Tips

By Caroline Howard

It's important that you tend to your self-esteem as carefully as your relationship. There will always be situations and pressures that will hand you a big platter of the worries and blues -- from not making love for weeks to money fights. Find out how to get past those feelings, be happier and fire-up your relationship.

"I'm afraid I'm going to lose my soul mate."

Mariah Carey made a hit out of the 1970s song: "I can't live, if livin' is without you." It's a declaration of desperation dressed up as a love song. The only solution to get over your fear of abandonment is to take the focus off your lover and put it back on yourself. Take a cue from Destiny's Child: "Thought I couldn't breathe without you, I'm inhalin.'"

"He's preoccupied when he's with me."

You cannot control him, let alone force him to pay more attention to you. Any attempt to try only invites other problems. Can you say, um, resentment? The best you can do is settle down your insecurities. Try a little role reversal. Have him come at you with the same question you're always asking him: "Why don't you want to be with me more?" Now you know what you sound like.

"He's not interested in me sexually"

If your man rejects you in bed, don't conclude that you're not sexy or desirable. There are many legitimate reasons he's turning you down, including stress and illness. There is also the possibility that he's bored. Now that you can do something about. Silence those negative voices ("I'm not pretty") and give yourself permission to tell him and do exactly what pleasures you. Showing sexual confidence is a powerful aphrodisiac.

"I just give in to get our fights over with."

Well, the one good thing here is that the fight is over with. But that's not enough. Having confidence in yourself and your position means nothing less than feeling like you both saw eye to eye on some aspect of the fight and he understands your point of view. How? Convey that just because the fight is over doesn't mean you've changed your mind. Schedule a time to talk again. This guarantees calmness and eventual resolution, which is totally different than giving in.

"All I Do is Give. All He Does is Take."

Over-giving will kill his respect in you as surely as over-watering a plant. Not only will he start taking you for granted, but you'll also feel cheated because you're not getting your fair share back. The only way to change the dynamic of the relationship is to stop focusing on pleasing him and start focusing on what makes you happy. Self-confidence is often rooted in one simple word: No. Practice saying it.

"I'm Losing My (Financial) Identity."

You're not alone in feeling less than confident about your financial acumen. In fact, a Merrill Lynch survey showed that 47 of women (vs. 30 of men) don't feel knowledgeable about investing. It's not that you lack money smarts, you're just out of practice. At a minimum, you both need to know what you've got and where you've got it. Financial confidence means never being a financial bystander.

"I feel like I'm stuck in a marriage rut."

You can revive your marriage, but that's dependent on reviving your belief in the power of you. Seeing only the negatives -- you're tired, bored -- is a common mistake remedied only with efforts to focus on what is good and worthy about you -- and your marriage. Here's the best part: You can add to that list by making positive changes in your fitness routine, sense of style and leisure time.

"I'm afraid to try something new in bed."

Great lovers aren't born that way, they learn to love to make love. Remember as a child when you got a new toy and you couldn't wait to try it out in every which way and manner? Fast forward with that same sense of imagination and excitement and transfer it to the bedroom. Have fun playing and pleasing. Confidence (and not fear) is the spice of your sex life.

"He never says 'I Love You.'"

There are lots of reasons why many men have a hard time with those particular three words.One is fear of rejection or exposure. He could also be a proverbial silent type. Rather than having your confidence in his love for you drop like a December thermometer in Minnesota, stop focusing on his words and start paying attention to his actions. Or, invite him to talk about his emotions in a safe way -- say, baseball -- and then steer the discussion to more intimate topics. The point being, if you need to hear 'I love you' that much, start saying it in the mirror.